


No Map for Our Travels

by exmanhater



Series: No Map For Our Travels [1]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: spn_j2_bigbang, F/F, Femslash, Genderswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-20
Updated: 2012-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-08 04:50:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exmanhater/pseuds/exmanhater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's life is predictable and safe, and she likes it that way. At the beginning of her last year of grad school she knows exactly what the future holds, and it seems like enough, until she meets Jay. Jared Padalecki isn't a typical anything, and her arrival in Jensen's life shakes everything Jensen knows about herself into disarray. Jay has never done anything the way she was supposed to, and falling for her hot TA is no exception. As she gets closer to Jensen, she realizes nothing will ever be the same again – and she can't wait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Map for Our Travels

**Author's Note:**

> I am basically constantly on the search for more long femslash romance and/or romcom AUs, because there are simply not enough of them in fandom. I eventually decided to put my money where my mouth is and write one myself. I enjoyed working with Jared and Jensen's common fanon personalities to explore what they would be like as women in a university setting, and had a ton of fun. If I managed to write a good femslash romance along the way, I will be extremely grateful. Huge thanks to [bree_black](http://bree_black.livejournal.com) for betaing – without her, this story would have no plot – and to my partner for putting up with my three am brainstorms and ridiculous questions about academia. All remaining mistakes or plotlessness are completely my own fault.
> 
> Also available on [LJ](http://exlibrary.livejournal.com/7935.html) or [ Dreamwidth](http://exlibrary.dreamwidth.org/4729.html), with lovely art by [king_stitch](http://king_stitch.livejournal.com) [here](http://king-stitch.livejournal.com/1484.html)

"Jensen Ackles, you are going to go put on a damn pair of clean pants and be back in this room in ten minutes, with a fucking smile on your face, or else – " 

"Or else?" Jensen lifted her head and blinked at Danneel, not at all fooled by her roommate's threatening tone. "You'll set me up on the world's worst blind date? Oh wait, that already happened. Twice."

Danneel sighed and dropped onto the couch next to Jensen gingerly, careful to keep her short skirt away from Jensen's bowl of popcorn sitting on the cushion between them. "One, they can't _both_ be the worst date ever, and two, I have apologized for that shit at least ten times since it happened. You can't use that as an excuse to not go out dancing with me anymore."

"I've got work to do," Jensen said. "And I'm a shitty dancer anyway, you'll have a better time without me."

"Is this about Justin?" 

Jensen looked up sharply at the mention of her recent ex. "What? No," she replied. "I'm the one who broke up with him, remember?" 

"Okay," Danneel replied, as if she didn't quite believe Jensen. "I got that client, did I tell you? The one my boss told me would get me a raise if I managed to land the account? I need to celebrate!"

Jensen wavered. Danneel had been working overtime for the past month to get that account for her firm. She worked for a small advertising business, a Portland company that didn't usually get very high-profile clients because they focused on local, sustainable projects and products. Jensen felt like she should give in, but she just couldn't face the idea of going out.

"I'm sorry," she told Danneel. "We can celebrate tomorrow? Invite Misha over for dinner?"

"I want to see you outside of this apartment every now and then," Danneel said, a pleading tone in her voice that Jensen suspected was only half-faked.

"Some time, but not tonight."

Danneel heaved another sigh and stood up, grabbing her purse and walking to the front door. "Whatever, Jensen. You said that last week."

Jensen watched the door open and then slam shut, and the noise almost made her guilty enough to chase after Danneel, but this had only been the latest in a long series of similar conversations between them, and Jensen knew it wouldn't cause lasting harm to let it go for now. She moved from the living room to the desk in her bedroom, stopping only to change into comfortable pajamas, and got started on the assignment due in three weeks. She had already finished the ones due before then, which weren't many, given that the year had just started, and yeah, maybe Danneel had a point about her anti-social tendencies – but it didn't change the fact that going to a loud nightclub where douchey fraternity guys would be out in full force seemed like hell to Jensen. 

She settled down to work, pushing away the thought that there had to be a midway point between total hermit – Jensen's normal state – and Danneel's level of social involvement.

The thing about Jensen Ackles was that she knew herself, and she knew what she wanted out of life in the long run. She just didn't know exactly what she wanted to do in the meantime, in the space between working hard and getting her degree, and becoming a world-class architect. She had vague ideas about what kind of relationship she wanted to have someday, but none of the few guys she'd dated had ever made her think they were it, the kind of person she wanted to spend more than casual time with. 

When she met Danneel in college, she'd been quiet and straight-laced, still shy and reserved with most people after four years spent in high school hell being called a dyke and a slut while doing her best to never do anything remotely close to the things people said she'd done. Danneel had been determined to become her friend, and Jensen felt grateful for that, and for Misha and the new friends Danneel had brought into her life during their years as roommates. But Jensen hadn't changed, not fundamentally, and she would almost always rather stay home than go out.

It was her last year, she realized suddenly, in the middle of doing a final read-through of the syllabus for the class she would be TA-ing this quarter. When she finished this year, she would hopefully find a job, and eventually move into her own place, and when that happened, when Danneel was no longer always there for her, would she still want to be alone so much?

Maybe it was time for a change.

Danneel came home early (for her) a few hours later and slipped into Jensen's room. Jensen had dozed off over a new design at her drafting desk, and she raised her head groggily, pushing her glasses up as Danneel said, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. Your light's still on."

Jensen tried to shake off her sleepiness, but yawned around her reply anyway. "It's okay. What are you doing home so early?"

Danneel smiled lopsidedly and sat down on Jensen's bed. "I'm sorry for yelling," she said. "I love you just the way you are, little hermit."

"Shut the fuck up," Jensen grumbled, but she joined Danneel on her bed and leaned against her. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Jensen said, "I'm sorry, too. I think I do need to get out more. But not to clubs, those are not an option."

Danneel didn't gloat like Jensen knew she must have been dying to, just smiled and patted Jensen on the head fondly. "We'll make a real human being of you yet, just you wait and see."

Jensen pinched her and Danneel squawked, pinching back, which led to an extremely juvenile tickle fight. "Okay, okay," Danneel laughed, eventually standing up and moving out of range. "I need to get out of this top before it strangles me. But your new life as a social butterfly starts tomorrow, young lady."

Jensen laughed and nodded like it wasn't a big deal, but she stayed awake late into the night thinking. Changing would be difficult, but she could start small, and see what happened. She spent a lot of time saying no when anything unexpected or unplanned happened, and maybe all she had to do was start saying yes now and then.

She fell asleep still deep in thought.

++++

Jay felt nervously in the front pocket of her jeans for the tenth time, making sure she still had her new student ID and her emergency credit card, and almost dropped the stack of books she held under one arm.

"Whoa," Chad's voice came from behind her. "Hold up, Jay, don't cause a disaster."

"Funny," she replied, turning to drop her books into Chad's arms. "Here, take these."

"Fine," Chad huffed, "but only because I know I'll be calling 911 if I let you stagger around with an armful of books."

"Remind me why I let you come with me today? No, wait, remind me why I agreed to be your roommate?" Jay reached the register and motioned for Chad to put the books down so the cashier could scan them, and then handed over her credit card to pay.

Chad waited until she received her purchases in a drawstring bag with the university's logo on it before answering.

"You needed a place to stay, and you didn't want to have to pay a ton of money or get a weird roommate. And I," he continued, "took you in out of the generosity of my heart, to give my old college pal a home."

Jay laughed, nearly losing hold of the bag as they walked out of the bookstore and started heading to the next stop on her list. "Oh my god," she said, once she could speak coherently. "It's the goodness of your heart, except you don't have any. You let me move in because you still think having a lesbian as your wingman gets you more chicks. And I bet you only tagged along today to see if you could hit on co-eds."

"You just wait," Chad replied. "This year, it's gonna be awesome, bro." He gave her a chin-nod and what she suspected was meant to be a companionable leer.

Jay smiled fondly and knocked her hand against the back of Chad's head, listening to him prattle through the rest of her errands, and then back to their apartment. The only thing she had to do now was finalize her work-study job at the undergraduate library, but she had an appointment to do that early the next morning before classes. It wouldn't pay much or offer many hours, but between her savings, grants, loans, the job, and her very cheap rent, Jay thought she'd probably be okay.

Chad had been living by himself in a two-bedroom place because his previous roommate had had to leave town unexpectedly (when Jay asked why, Chad told her she didn't want to know, and she believed him), and when Jay found out she'd be going to grad school in Portland, the timing seemed too perfect to pass up. Genevieve couldn't believe it was healthy or safe to live with Chad no matter what Jay told her, but so far, it hadn't been bad. Granted, it had only been a week, but Chad was keeping his mess mostly in his room, and that was all Jay could ask for in a roommate. He had also offered her the room for less than Jay suspected was half of the total rent, but she didn't see any reason to fight him about that since he made good money managing his family's construction firm. Besides, she could always pay him back with food from her parents' farm, or by cleaning the kitchen – he seemed to hate that particular chore.

Chad was kind of like a small, benign growth, Jay often thought. It was easy to get used to him being around, and he was hilarious, especially in his continued delusion that being gay made Jay a good wingman. It hadn't worked in college, and Jay really didn't see it working here, either. She wasn't going to lie for him, and most girls had the good sense to stay far away, lesbian friend or not. But ever since she'd given Chad her standard "I'm gay" response when he'd hit on her, he'd been convinced they were bros, and Jay did, in a brotherly way, and not where Genevieve could hear her say it, like him. He was a good friend when he wasn't being smarmy at LGBT campus group meetings.

Her new room still looked a little empty without the Xena posters that had defined her college dorm, but she was determined to have a grown-up room now. Her mother thought it meant she'd finally rejected violence as an acceptable part of her media consumption, and Jay hadn't wanted to disclose the fact that she actually just wanted a room she could bring a girl back to without feeling like a huge cliché.

She'd find new art, she'd make new friends – this was a new town, and a chance to change, to make her life become the one she really wanted. She only had to make it happen.

After brushing her teeth and making sure she had all the supplies she'd need for her first day of classes laid out, Jay broke into her emergency sharpie stash and wrote the words carefully around her wrist in red and pink: _time for a change_.

++++

"Excuse me, is this – "

Jensen looked up from the desk to see a tall girl standing uncertainly in the doorway to the classroom, clutching a bag that seemed to be made of rainbow-patterned duct-tape.

"Freshman lit's one floor down," Jensen said, taking in the shell-shocked first-day haze, and the girl blushed, twisting her hands nervously. She had writing wrapped around her wrist in what looked like marker, but Jensen couldn't read what it said.

"Oh, no – I'm – it's – I'm looking for the seminar on social theories of the built environment?"

Jensen paused and looked more thoroughly, but still couldn't believe the girl was more than nineteen. Her shoulder-length messy brown hair was pulled back from her face with pink barrettes, her jeans were frayed at the ends, hitting the floor over a pair of pink flip-flops, and her blue t-shirt had a logo Jensen didn't recognize. Her purple hoodie had patches on the shoulders, looking worse for the wear, but the overall effect of her outfit made her seem purposefully mismatched in a charming way.

"Then you're in the right place," Jensen replied, trying to sound a little nicer. "You are about half an hour early, but you can come in and get settled if you'd like."

"Oh, thanks," the girl said, shuffling into the room and setting her bag down in the first row. She turned back to Jensen and smiled widely, dimples prominent on her face. "I was so worried I'd never find the right room, and I gave myself lots of extra time, especially since I'm really excited about this class. Wow, you're so young to be a professor!"

Jensen arched an eyebrow and the girl blanched.

"Oh, I'm sorry – I just – I came early so I wouldn't be late and get labeled as that loser who doesn't care about the class and now I'm giving you the verbal version of tripping at a party and dumping my beer all over your new dress, and – " she closed her mouth and her eyes, then continued, "and I'm just going to stop now, and – are you laughing at me?"

"No, no," Jensen lied, not at all convincingly. "Well, yes, but in a really nice way, I promise. I'm Jensen, I'm the TA for this class, not the professor, but thanks for the compliment."

"I'm Jay," the girl said. "Well, Jared, but people usually think it's weird to call a girl Jared, so mostly they just call me Jay and I like it, so it's not insulting or anything."

"Nice to meet you, Jay," Jensen replied, still struggling to stop laughing. "I can't say I've ever met a girl named Jared before, but I _can_ say I don't think it's that weird."

Jay's face lit up and she sat down in the seat next to her bag. "My parents were hippies," she offered, pulling her knees up to her chest and placing her feet on her chair. Her toenails had glittery purple nail polish, and Jensen's own feet felt cold just looking at them. Portland wouldn't have real flip-flop weather for at least another six or seven months. "They say they chose Jared because one of their best friends named Jared was a hero in an anti-war protest or something, but I've never met this so-called best friend, so I'm pretty sure it's because they were both high when they named me. I mean, my mom couldn't smoke weed for nine months, so as soon as I was born, they started celebrating non-stop."

Jensen must have let a little of her alarm show, because Jay immediately tacked on, "oh, they didn't do it where it would affect me – they took turns, and the rest of the collective helped out with the baby-care, too – oh god, this is not making me sound more normal."

Jensen laughed, still kind of shocked, but too charmed to care. She normally didn't take to students (or anyone) so easily, but Jay wasn't showing any of the disinterest or, worse, complete belief in her own knowledge that defined most first-year students in any grad program.

"It must make great party conversation, though," Jensen said. "I mean, Jensen is an old family name, but I'm pretty sure no one with that name has ever done anything as interesting as that."

"Oh, I'm lots of fun at parties," Jay agreed. "But it's usually because I trip and fall and somehow set something on fire." She smiled ruefully. "I was the reason my best friend became a nurse."

Jensen's phone buzzed then, and she looked at the screen. It was Samantha, which probably meant that Jensen was teaching the class on her own today. She smiled apologetically at Jay and answered.

"Hey, Sam, what's up?"

Her advisor's voice sounded winded. "Jen, I'm on my way, but my bike got a flat and I'm walking, so it's going to take a few extra minutes. Can you handle the intros and the syllabus?"

"Sure thing," Jensen replied, checking to make sure she still had the stack of papers that included the course packets and syllabi. "We'll see you when you get here, and don't rush."

"You're my favorite!"

"Yeah, yeah." Jensen smiled and ended the call, looking up to see Jay staring at her. "That was the professor, she's running a little late and wanted to make sure I'd be able to start the class without her," she explained, not sure why Jay was so focused on her.

"Oh," Jay said. "She must really trust you."

Jensen grinned. "Well, Sam – Dr. Ferris – isn't a typical prof. You'll like her, she's the best in the architecture program."

"I'm not really an architecture student," Jay said, dropping her feet down to the floor and shifting nervously. "I'm – I just started in the masters program in sociology, and this is one of the electives we can take, and I wanted to start off with something fun."

"Hmm, I don't know if I believe you," Jensen teased, surprised at herself even as she said the words. Jay's face went red, and Jensen would have felt bad if it hadn't been so adorable. "You can't be more than eighteen, kid."

"I'm twenty-one!" Jay said hotly. "Um, almost. In like a month."

"How'd you get into a grad program so young?" Jensen asked, leaning forward to focus on Jay as other early bird students began to trickle into the classroom.

"I started college early, and I did just graduate last June." She looked down and bit her lip. "I'm not quite sure why I got accepted, I'm not that smart."

"You probably are," Jensen said, meaning it. "It's a tough school to get into."

"Oh," Jay said, blushing again. "Um – "

A loud group of students came in then, keeping Jensen from replying, and by the time it quieted down, Jensen had to concentrate on getting the class started and passing out the course packets. She kept finding her attention drifting back to Jay, all throughout the class, and she was almost disappointed when Jay left the classroom right away, slipping out while Jensen stayed to answer questions with Sam. 

Jensen dissected the first day of classes with Danneel and Misha later that night over beer and pizza, and found herself strangely reluctant to talk about meeting Jay. She told herself it was just because they'd make fun of Jay mercilessly, that it wasn't important enough of an event to really need sharing, but she knew that wasn't it. Jay was… hers, somehow, a secret she didn't want to share. She didn't want to think about it more deeply than that.

++++

"So, how'd the first day go?"

Jay flopped down on her bed, holding her phone loosely against her ear. "Um, it was okay. I was really early for my first class, but the TA was nice and let me in and I kind of talked her ear off, but she didn't seem to mind. I'm pretty exhausted, though."

Genevieve giggled, and it made Jay feel better immediately.

"Same old Jared," Genevieve said. "I'm glad grad school hasn't _changed_ you yet."

"My TA was really hot," Jay blurted, then clapped a hand over her mouth. She hadn't meant to tell Genevieve about her embarrassing crush, hoping to put off the inevitable mocking. Her best friend was tiny, but she could bring down linebackers with her sass. 

Genevieve didn't surprise her. "Jay! You've already thrown me over for an older woman? I can't believe it!"

"Whatever," Jay said. "You know you'll always regret being straight and thus unable to handle the awesomeness that is me."

It had taken a long time, Jay thought, for them to get to the point where they could joke about her years-long crush on Genevieve. It didn't feel at all awkward anymore, and Jay was thankful, again, for such a perfect best friend. Spilling her hormone-driven feelings for Genevieve during Gen's high school graduation party while they were both drunk should have ended their friendship, but Gen had let her down honestly, if not easily, and then didn't let Jay disappear. She'd shown up at Jay's house every day all summer long, and when Genevieve went to college that fall, Jay was happy again, even if it hadn't turned out the way she'd always dreamed. It probably helped that Gen was two years older and that they didn't go to the same college, allowing Jay to have distance as well as time. Now her crush was just a memory, and they had made so many more memories together since then that it didn't even feel all that important in the scheme of things.

Genevieve sighed, and Jay asked, concerned, "what's wrong?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's not really – I didn't want to tell you right away and ruin your first day, but I broke up with Ethan last night. I was just thinking that life really would have been easier if I were gay, which I know is a stupid thing to say, but I'm kinda depressed about the whole thing."

"I'm sorry, Gen, what happened?" Jay shook her flip-flops off and curled more comfortably on her bed to listen. After hearing Genevieve's story, Jay had to admit she'd had a pretty awesome day in comparison.

"Did he really say that about your job?" she asked Genevieve for the fifth time. 

"Yes," Genevieve said, with as much righteous indignation as the first time she'd answered. "I'd give anything for him to have to spend a night shift in the emergency room and then tell me that nurses have it easy, but I'm not sure that would even work. It's like his empathy gland is missing – he must have had it removed in med school."

"That's a really gross concept, and I'd appreciate it if you never said the word gland again," Jay told her. "I might have to go to therapy."

"Shut up," Genevieve said fondly. "Distract me from my misery – tell me more about your hot TA."

"Um," Jay stammered. "She's tall, with glasses and green eyes, and fucking freckles, Gen, it's not fair."

"Nice rack?" Genevieve asked.

"Like you even know what a nice rack is," Jay scoffed, but blushed as she thought about Jensen's figure, which had made a serious impression on her, even hidden under the jeans and over-sized sweater Jensen had been wearing. "Um, it's – it's a very nice rack, actually. She's gorgeous, and she wasn't even wearing makeup or very fancy clothes."

"Is it against the rules to ask her out?"

Jay twisted her fingers through her hair. "Yeah, I think so, at least until she's not my TA anymore. And – she's probably not into girls, anyway."

Genevieve hummed sympathetically, then ruined the moment by saying, "but your gaydar's no good, honey. You thought Michael and Tony were just good friends in high school."

"That doesn't count!"

"It totally counts, and I'm making an executive decision – you're going to ask your hot TA out as soon as she's just hot, and not your TA anymore."

"She might be dangerously homophobic!"

"In Portland?" Genevieve heaved an incredulous sigh. "Okay, you'll ask her out as soon as you know she's not a homophobe. What's her name, anyway?"

"Jensen," Jay replied, and was horrified to realize that she'd said it dreamily.

"There you go," Genevieve said. "No one named Jensen is straight, it's against the rules."

"There are no rules, that's the point, and – you're just trying to get me less nervous so I'll do your evil bidding, don't try to deny it!"

Jay could _hear_ Gen smirking. "And it always works, doesn't it?"

"Goodnight, Genevieve," Jay said, ignoring her friend's protests as she hung up. 

Jay settled herself, getting all of the papers and course packets she'd received in all of the day's classes organized. Her phone buzzed with a text message ten minutes later, and she laughed as she read it.

_jared + jensen, sitting in tree, having lots of hot gay sex!!_

She sent a quick text back ( _i said gnite, go bug yr roommate_ ) and spent the rest of the night trying not to picture exactly what hot gay sex with Jensen would be like.

++++

The beginning of the year always brought with it a crush of extra work for Jensen; in between prepping lesson plans and making endless copies of articles for some of the lazier profs she assisted, she also had to settle into her own classes, and, this year, start looking for a summer internship. All the good local ones had application deadlines just before or after the winter holidays, and Jensen had no intention of missing out. She also had a new problem this year – her promise to be more social. Danneel wasn't giving an inch, and so Jensen found herself going out to dinner or drinks with Danneel and Misha and various other people almost every day.

She was busier than she could ever remember being, but she still found time to wonder why Jay, who had seemed so friendly at first, now got to class barely on time and fled as soon as it was over. She tried not to feel hurt about it – Jay didn't owe her anything, and this was part of being more open, wasn't it? The possibility that she could be rejected wasn't a theoretical issue for Jensen. She knew what it felt like – but this was the first time she'd had that feeling in a while, and it hit her harder than she'd thought it would.

Danneel eventually bullied it out of her, with Misha's help. They were surrounding her on the couch one night, having just finished forcing her to suffer through the latest episode of some godawful reality show. Jensen often wondered why two of the most intelligent people she knew were so fascinated by watching people act like complete assholes on tv.

Misha tucked himself back against his side of the couch and poked Jensen with one bare foot before settling it under his thigh. "Why so grumpy, princess?"

"Don't call me that, fucker," Jensen grumbled. "It's nothing, I just thought I might have made a friend and now she's ignoring me. I sound like a ten year-old, god, just tell me to shut up."

Misha could never ignore the possibility of interpersonal relationship drama, which Jensen didn't remember until it was too late. His eyes opened fully with interest and he sat up.

"Do tell," he said. "I smell a situation that needs my professional opinion."

Jensen rolled her eyes. "It's just a girl in one of my classes, the one I'm TA-ing for Sam? She talked to me for a long time the first day of class, and I thought we actually hit it off pretty well. Now she barely arrives on time and leaves as soon as she can."

"She's an architecture student?" Danneel asked, and Jensen decided it would just be easier to tell them everything she knew about Jay and get it over with. When she'd finished the story, she sighed. "So, what did I do wrong?"

Danneel didn't answer right away and Jensen could tell she was thinking carefully about her reply.

"I think," she said, "that it's probably not about you."

"What?" Jensen said. "She's avoiding me, how is that not about me?"

"She's younger than most of the people in her classes, right?" Misha put in, having seemingly guessed at Danneel's reasoning.

"Yeah, but what does that – " 

Danneel cut her off. "She's embarrassed because she thinks she made a fool of herself the last time you talked, and she's really conscious of how much younger she is, and worried that you think she's a juvenile idiot."

"It's not easy being smarter than people your own age," Misha put in. "I don't know, but it seems like if she's skipped grades or whatever she did to be in grad school at twenty, it would make sense if she focused on that to an extensive degree."

Jensen nodded her head slowly. "Man, it's creepy when you start psychoanalyzing people that aren't even in the room," she told Misha, and Danneel laughed.

"What's the point of having a friend who majored in psych if it's not to get free psychoanalysis?" Danneel said. 

"I'll have you know that I'm a licensed therapist," Misha said with mock dignity. "And I don't find these aspersions being cast on my profession amusing."

"You find aspersions cast on anyone's profession amusing," Jensen said fondly. She sometimes wondered what kind of good deeds she'd done in a past life to deserve these two friends who took all the bad along with the good she had to offer. Not that she would inflate either of their egos by saying that out loud.

Danneel stood up and went to the kitchen as Misha's phone started playing Vicki's ringtone. He let it play, shimmying his hips to the chorus.

"Does Vicki know you've got Milkshake set as her ringtone?" Jensen asked.

Misha smiled as he answered the phone. "Damn right," he sang along with the song before it cut off, and Jensen groaned.

"That is awful. Get out of my apartment!"

After Misha left and Danneel went to her room to start packing for the business trip she had to leave for in the morning, Jensen stayed on the couch and thought about Jay. It was a good guess that she felt nervous around older students with more life experience, and maybe if Jensen let her have time to relax, they might be able to become friends after all. In any case, it wasn't a good idea to be too friendly with someone whose work she would be grading until after the quarter ended. 

Decision made, Jensen headed for an hour of reading and then bed, but she made the mistake of checking her email first, where she had a two-page missive from her sister about life in high school. She wasn't terribly close to her family, but she and her little sister had a special bond, and she always enjoyed hearing about the latest drama to sweep through Richardson. By the time she'd finished reading and replying to the email, she didn't feel like doing the dry reading she needed to finish for class. 

Instead, she pulled out a battered copy of her favorite teen fantasy novel. Danneel always teased her for still reading young adult books, but Jensen loved escaping into lives so much wilder than hers, and so her bookshelf was half architecture books and half teen fiction. 

She let her mind roam as she read, wondering what things Jay liked to read, before realizing that was a strange thing to wonder about a girl she hardly knew. She concentrated harder on the story in front of her, but in spite of her best intentions, she fell asleep halfway through the book.

++++

Jay had plenty of experience with unrequited crushes interfering with her academic work. She hadn't been worried about that aspect of being in class with Jensen three times a week at all, but it turned out that watching an attractive woman teaching got her unreasonably hot, especially when it was Jensen. It wasn't like trying to push down her feelings for Genevieve, because she didn't have as much of an incentive to _not_ like Jensen.

Jensen was _possible_ in a way Genevieve never had been. At least, she was possible until Jay found out she was straight or already had a boy- or girlfriend, and Jay wanted to put that moment off as long as she could. She held out for the first three weeks of class, rushing into the classroom just a few moments before the start, and leaving as soon as class ended without looking back. She felt bad about it, and worried that Jensen would think she was a bitch for ignoring her after their first conversation, but the alternative was most likely pouring out her reasoning and a ridiculous amount of backstory in a pile of word-vomit that would make Jensen start backing away slowly to go report her to the campus health clinic, and – it was possible that Jay had put too much thought into this.

She sat in the back on Monday of the fourth week of the quarter, and quietly panicked for the entire two-hour class, trying to calm down enough to be able to hear what Dr. Ferris was saying. It was a pointless struggle, but she did manage to stay in her seat once the class ended, slowly putting her notebook in her bag and watching Jensen answer questions from some of the other students. Dr. Ferris left shortly after that, and Jay made her way to the front of the room to catch Jensen's eye.

"Hi," Jensen said as she approached, clearly surprised by the change in her behavior. "Did you have a question?"

"Oh, um, no," Jay said, her voice sounding strange to her own ears. "Just wanted to say hi!"

"Well, hi," Jensen replied. 

"Hi!" Jay winced at herself and tried to save the conversation. "Um, actually, I was wondering if I could have a copy of the article you mentioned last week? The one you said anyone could ask you for?"

"Of course," Jensen said, reaching into her messenger bag. She rummaged around a bit and produced a manila folder with a neatly-printed label reading _optional class articles._

"I always print some out in case people actually take me up on the offer," she said with a smile as she handed over a stapled article, and Jay almost melted with gratitude at how graciously she seemed to be taking Jay's social ineptitude.

"Thanks," Jay said. "I really think it will help me prove to my advisor that this class should become a regular part of the sociology course and not just a discouraged elective."

"I hadn't thought of it that way," Jensen said. "But I think you're right – it's very relevant to that field. You didn't say before, but what are you planning to do with a degree in sociology?"

Jay fought hard to answer without stammering. "Well, eventually I want to teach? Not college level, but in some kind of primary school, maybe in a non-traditional setting. So, I'm getting the master's in sociology with an emphasis on educational systems, and then hopefully some kind of degree in education."

Jensen gave her an assessing gaze Jay had no idea what to do with, green eyes serious behind her glasses. "That's pretty awesome," Jensen told her slowly. "It's gonna take a long time, I bet."

Jay shrugged. "Yeah, but it's what I really want to do. I had so many great teachers, but even they couldn't really fix the problems with my school district, and I figured if I could get enough education about the larger issues schools are facing, I might be able to make it better for other kids."

Jensen was staring at her again, and Jay flushed. "It's kind of far-fetched, I know – " she started to mumble, but Jensen cut her off with a hand on her shoulder.

"No," Jensen said firmly. "That's amazing. I hope it will work out like you've planned."

"Thanks," Jay said. She had to leave before she started gushing to everyone in a three-mile radius about how Jensen thought she was amazing, or something else equally embarrassing. "Um, I'd better go."

"Oh," Jensen said, eyes flicking to the clock on the wall opposite the door. "Me, too, actually. See you on Wednesday?"

"Yeah, see you," Jay managed as she fled the room, very proud of herself over all. Even Genevieve would have to admit that she'd done a good job starting to build a friendship with Jensen.

When she got home from her shift at the library later that night, Chad had left her some pasta to be heated up along with a note saying she had a huge-ass package waiting for her. Jay ignored the pasta and went right to her room, looking eagerly for her father's block printing on the big, brown-paper-wrapped parcel on her bed. She ripped it open to find her favorite, home-canned pears, six neatly labeled glass jars of them.

Chad found her in the kitchen later when he got home, eating her third bowl of pears with cottage cheese. She shared with him, and he had to admit that her care packages from home were pretty damn awesome. 

Jay ended the day extremely content and looking forward to the next. She wrote _care packages_ on her left arm, underneath the inside of her elbow where she would be certain to see it in the morning, and fell asleep happy.

++++

Jensen had no idea what, if anything, had changed, but she was too thankful to question it deeply.

After that first conversation, Jay stopped avoiding her before and after class, and they usually chatted easily about the class readings, or about their other classes. Jensen found herself looking forward to those short talks all morning. It kind of shocked her to realize that she considered Jay a friend, one of the only friends she'd made without Danneel's help. After hearing more about Jay's education thus far, she was even more impressed. Jay had completed her A.A. degree at a local community college in California while still in high school, and then finished her B.A. at Berkeley before heading to Portland for grad school. She was driven and focused, reminding Jensen of herself, but she seemed to be carefree and happy at the same time in a way Jensen envied. She'd never managed to so enthusiastically enjoy life the way Jay did.

Jensen finally asked halfway through the quarter about the random words that always seemed to be scribbled on Jay's arms or hands somewhere.

"What's with the marker?" she said after class, when Jay came to ask her about next week's readings.

"Oh," Jay said, looking down at her right hand, which had a small word in purple written along the top of her index finger. "It's strange, I know – I had this period in high school where I was – not depressed, but just unhappy mostly, and my mom started telling me all these silly stories at random moments. I wrote parts of them down on my hands so that I could look at them when I was at school, and it just kind of stuck. Now I write myself notes to think about during the day."

"Not that strange," Jensen admitted. "I used to write in my books – like, novels that I read? I'd put in my reactions to what the characters did and said, or what I would have done in their situation, and then when I re-read the book months or years later, it was like having a conversation with myself. Like a journal, but more focused."

"Yeah," Jay said, a look of complete understanding on her face. "Exactly. I've never met anyone who got that before."

Jensen smiled, Jay smiled back, and Jensen couldn't really describe what she thought was happening. Time seemed to slow down for a minute, and she didn't want to stop looking at Jay – she was afraid she'd never feel this understood again if she didn't keep the connection open. But that was a ridiculous thought, and she forced herself to blink and turn her head, picking up the papers she'd left on the desk and putting them in her bag.

"Wow, I've got to get going," Jay said, just as Jensen opened her mouth to say the same thing. "I've got a shift at the library."

"See you on Monday," Jensen said, and watched as Jay left. She stayed at the desk in the front of the classroom until the instructor for the next class came in, thinking about Jay and her own reaction to their conversation.

++++

Jay's phone buzzed as soon as she got to the classroom one day near the end of the quarter. She looked down to see that it was Genevieve, and she flicked an apologetic smile Jensen's way as she sat down in her front row seat and answered the phone.

"Hi, Genevieve," she said. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, I meant to get your voicemail," Genevieve answered. "I was going to sing another annoying love song for you to listen to after class with your hot TA. Why'd you answer and ruin my plan?"

"Uh, I guess I care about you? And you don't normally call me during the day?" Jay sighed and rolled her eyes at Jensen, who seemed to be watching her conversation with Genevieve closely, even though she could only be hearing Jay's half.

"Whatever, call me tonight with some fucking progress, okay?" Genevieve made a smacking kiss noise and hung up. Jay put her phone in her pocket and chuckled quietly. She looked up to see Jensen still looking at her, a strange expression on her face, obvious even behind her glasses. 

"Girlfriend?" Jensen asked. 

Jay almost said no, afraid of what Jensen's question might mean, but in the end she just went with babbling. "Genevieve's my best friend," she said. "You could say she's how I know I'm a lesbian, but she's not my girlfriend, no. She's straight, and like, not the slightest bit bicurious. I mean, I had a crush on her for forever and if she was gonna try girls, I'd have been first in line."

Jensen seemed to relax for a moment, but then she tensed again. "I'm sorry," she said. "That was pretty much the rudest way to ask someone about their love life that I've ever heard – you didn't have to come out to me if you didn't want to."

"It's okay, I'm out everywhere – I kind of thought you already knew?" Jay wanted to believe the strangeness in Jensen's voice was jealousy and not discomfort with the fact that she was gay, but it seemed too good to be true.

"I suspected," Jensen said, a smile finally coming back to her face. "But it was still rude to pry like that and Danneel would punch me if I didn't say I was sorry, so…"

"Danneel?" Jay asked, fearing the answer and hoping for it at the same time. 

"My roommate," Jensen said. "She's bi, and she's my best friend. She'd be appalled that I didn't have better manners. Also, I am technically your TA – and that makes it doubly inappropriate."

"Well, then, apology accepted," Jay said. "But I don't think the TA part really matters, because we're friends, right?" 

Jensen looked surprised, but nodded. "Yeah," she said. "We're friends."

Then other students started entering the classroom, followed by Dr. Ferris, and they didn't have the chance to say anything else. Jay thought about it, though, filing away Jensen's words, and she didn't even tell Genevieve about it later on. She got teased and hounded for details that didn't exist, but something about Jensen's look when she heard that Jay wasn't dating Genevieve, the way she seemed scared and relieved at the same time, seemed private. But it had been the perfect place for Jensen to come out as well if she did actually like girls, and she hadn't said anything. 

Jay had hope, though, and she wasn't giving that up until she absolutely had to.

Genevieve spent hours on the phone, trying to convince her to ask Jensen out on the last day of class. Jay was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to do that, but she did have a plan to keep Jensen in her life after their shared class ended. It wouldn't be weird for them to hang out once Jensen was no longer her TA, and she knew Jensen was her friend now, if nothing else.

++++

Jensen almost dreaded the last day of the quarter. She wanted to believe she and Jay could be friends outside of class, but she was afraid of the possibility that Jay didn't feel the same way, no matter what she had said earlier. She agonized over non-creepy ways to get Jay's phone number all morning, and by the time she got to Sam's office to deliver the papers she'd graded over the last week, she was a wreck. Sam noticed, closing her office door and offering Jensen tea. When Jensen protested that they didn't have time before class, Sam just shook her head

"Were the papers that bad?" Sam asked, once Jensen was settled in Sam's comfiest visitor chair with a cup of Darjeeling. "These guys were pretty smart, I had high hopes."

Jensen smiled. "No, the papers were fairly good. At least, I think they were; you'll have to change the grades I gave if you disagree."

"I'm sure you did a wonderful job as usual," Sam said, dismissing the possibility. Her eyes narrowed as she studied Jensen thoughtfully. "Stress about your own grades?" she asked.

Jensen reminded herself that she should be grateful she had a mentor who actually cared about her well-being. "It's nothing," she said. "I'm just a little tired, and I'm looking forward to the break."

Sam kept eyeing her, as if she were trying to telepathically force Jensen to share all her troubles. "Okay," Sam said. "But you'll tell me if I can cut you any slack, right?"

"I don't need any slack," Jensen protested, and Sam shook her head.

"Kid, you work harder than half the tenured professors in this place – you deserve slack if anyone does. But I won't bug you anymore."

"Oh," Jensen said. "Thank you – I – that's really nice of you to say. I will let you know if I need a break."

Sam nodded and thankfully dropped the subject.

In the end, though, Jensen didn't have any reason to worry, because Jay waited for her after class as usual, and solved the problem of how they would see each other again all by herself.

"I have a big favor to ask," Jay said, chewing on her bottom lip. Jensen nodded without realizing she was, then quickly added "sure, what is it?"

Jay looked relieved. "So, I just turned twenty-one, and I don't know where anything is here? And I figured I should try out the nightlife now that I can, but my only other option when it comes to a guide is my roommate, and he's kind of the worst possible candidate for this sort of thing."

Jensen smiled, remembering some of the stories Jay had told her about Chad. "Yeah, of course," she said, conveniently forgetting that she didn't know the first thing about Portland's nightlife. "I'd be happy to show you around now that I'm not your TA. Do you want to give me your number? We can figure out a good time."

"Before the holidays?" Jay asked, a hopeful smile on her lips. 

Jensen smiled in reply. "Yeah. Are you free this Friday?"

"Well, I'll have to miss my Friday night standing engagement with Chad's big screen tv and whichever sports game he's decided on…" Jay pretended to consider, a hilarious expression on her face that Jensen supposed was meant to be pensive.

"Sounds like a hard decision," Jensen said.

Jay laughed. "Not at all, actually – Friday sounds awesome, thank you!"

They programmed their numbers into each other's phones, and Jay left, leaving Jensen to pack up her things, going over the conversation in her mind. She realized belatedly that she didn't know a thing about cool places to go and dropped her head into her hands. Well, at least she had Danneel to tell her where to take Jay, and even if Danneel gloated when she had to ask for help, she wasn't going to miss out on the chance to get to know Jay as a real friend outside of class.

++++

"Hey, you're going with me to happy hour tomorrow, right?" Danneel yelled over her shoulder as she burst into the apartment and went straight to her room. "I'm supposed to meet Adrianne there, and I _think_ it's a date, but she'll be less intimidated if you're with me."

Jensen smiled to herself. Danneel had been pining after Adrianne for weeks, and now she wanted a third wheel on their first actual date – _typical Danneel_ , she thought.

"I'm pretty sure you'll be mad at me later if I crash your date," Jensen called back from her position on her bed, keeping her eyes on the book she had to finish. "And I've got plans tomorrow." Plans she needed to talk to Danneel about, actually, but she hadn't done so yet, not wanting to open herself up to Danneel's mocking.

"Oooh, _plans_ ," Danneel replied, her voice muffled by something. "Gonna get drunk and let your boyfriend get to third base?"

"If you must know," Jensen sighed, "I told that girl, Jay, from my social theories class that I'd show her around the bar scene. She just turned twenty-one and she doesn't know many people here. She texted me today to make sure I was still planning on it, and I don't want to disappoint her, so you have to tell me where we should go because I don’t know anything about the bar scene."

Danneel suddenly appeared in Jensen's line of sight, her mouth hanging open, standing in the doorway to Jensen's room. 

"What?" Jensen said, looking up from the book.

"You gave a student, a student that you talk about _all_ the time by the way, your phone number and asked her to hang out with you?"

"She won't be my student anymore starting tomorrow, and I told her it wasn't really ethical for us to be friends until she gets her final grades, but she's not even in the architecture program," Jensen protested. "I don't think anyone would get in trouble for this."

"No, no, no," Danneel said quickly. "I'm so proud of you, Jen! You made a friend, all by yourself!"

"Fuck you, Harris. I'm not that bad."

Danneel raised an eyebrow and settled herself firmly on the foot of Jensen's bed, taking the book balanced on Jensen's lap and putting it on the floor. 

"You used to tell me that friendship was just a lie girls told each other to have someone to complain about their boyfriends to – you used to run and hide if I brought home someone to meet you in college."

Jensen frowned, shaking off Danneel's hand on her knee. "It's no fair using my nineteen-year-old self against me," she grumbled.

Danneel smirked. "I can use anything I want against you, babe, and believe me, this is a miracle akin to the loaves and the fishes."

"You're a bad Catholic," Jensen said, and Danneel winked.

"You know it," she said. "Seriously Jen, I'm glad you've made a _special_ friend.

Jensen choked on her own spit. "What? No," she stammered. "It's not like – I mean, she's a lesbian, yeah, but she's not into m – I'm not – she's a girl."

Danneel's eyes narrowed. "Are you still harboring remnants of homophobia? I thought we got rid of that."

Jensen sighed and slumped over, her face smooshed against Danneel's jean-clad calf. "I'm not – I know you're bi, and I know there's nothing wrong with it, but I've never felt this way bef – I've never felt that way."

Danneel's voice softened, and she ran a comforting hand through Jensen's short hair. "I know, honey, but that doesn't mean you don't feel that way now. And I've never wanted to push you about it, but I'm fairly sure the only reason you haven't felt this way before is because you haven't let yourself."

"I haven't – " Jensen stopped, and then thought about that, remembering how tightly she'd had herself locked down as a teenager, keeping herself safe from all the slurs and rumors spread by her classmates. It was possible, she had to acknowledge, that she'd locked down more than she'd thought she had. She let her mind wander to Jay, pictured her long fingers and her eyelashes, the way she laughed with her entire body, the way she didn’t hold anything back. Jensen thought about touching her, seeing if she could make Jay be quiet by kissing her, what it would feel like to – 

She sat up abruptly and blushed so hotly she was afraid to see what her face looked like.

"Mmmhmmm," Danneel said smugly. "Now stop thinking dirty thoughts about your underage hottie while I'm in the room. It's not fair, and also, slightly gross. You're like my sister."

"I wasn't – I wouldn't – Danny, come on," Jensen begged. "Tell me this isn't a good idea."

"I'm not gonna lie to you."

"She _is_ only twenty-one," Jensen said, in a last-ditch attempt to make Danneel keep her from pursuing Jay. "I'm twenty-five, I'm almost done with grad school, it's not fair to start something with her now."

Danneel snorted. "That's ridiculous and you know it. You're not some dirty old pervert who's only out for sex, you wouldn't lead someone on like that. You like her, you want to date her, and it sounds like she likes you, too. You should take this chance while you can!"

"I've never dated a girl before," Jensen said, knowing it wouldn't change Danneel's mind.

"It's time you started!" Danneel forced Jensen to look her in the eye. "Be honest with me – how often did you even get off when you and Justin were dating?"

Jensen hadn't thought she could blush any harder, but this topic was gonna do it, no question. "Danneel!"

"No, I want an answer." Danneel put both hands on Jensen's shoulders, not letting her hide from the question.

"Twice," Jensen admitted, so quietly she almost couldn't hear herself. "But both times it was because I did it myself while we were…" 

"Jesus H!" Danneel threw her hands up in frustration. "What do you think about when you're masturbating, then? What do you want when it's just you?"

Jensen didn't answer, honestly trying to figure out the truth about that. She didn't really want to discuss it with Danneel, but maybe her friend had a point. Jensen didn't fantasize – she normally thought about orgasms as a bodily function she needed to give herself to be healthy. "Uh," she told Danneel finally. "I don't think about anything in particular. I didn't realize I had to."

"You don't have to, but it usually helps." Danneel shook her head. "I am so sorry I didn't get this nosy earlier. Jensen, your one task before this date is to spend some time with yourself and figure out what you want, what really gets you going."

"If I say okay will you stop talking about it?"

"Deal," Danneel said, grinning at Jensen's discomfort.

"Fine, I promise I will," Jensen said, finally reaching the breaking point of embarrassment.

"Good. But before you start, I need to check something." Danneel stood up and threw open Jensen's closet, then clucked in disgust at its contents. "Well, that settles the question of what you're wearing – since you don't own anything but flannel, you're borrowing something of mine."

And Jensen knew better than to protest anymore after that.

++++

_Code fucking red_ , Jay texted as she shoved Chad away from her dinner. "Get your own," she told Chad, who pouted, but left for the kitchen, probably to scrounge for leftovers in the fridge. Jay stuck her phone in her pocket and retreated to her room with her pasta. The phone buzzed before she even got the door closed behind her.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Genevieve asked breathlessly when Jay answered.

"I have a date with Jensen," Jay said. "I mean, I don't know if it's actually a date, but we're going to a bar tomorrow night and she said that now that she's not my TA anymore we can hang out and I think she might mean more than just as friends, but I'm not sure, and fuck, Gen, what am I going to wear?"

Genevieve swore loudly, then started laughing. Jay rolled her eyes. Gen was so predictable.

"C'mon," she whined into the phone. "I need help – I need a decent best friend."

"You're just so much fun," Genevieve said between gulps of air as she kept laughing. "It's like my own personal trashy teen melodrama."

"I can just go talk to Chad," Jay said. "I'm sure he'd love to give me advice about my lesbian maybe-a-date."

"Don't pout," Genevieve said, finally calming down. "You should wear something cute, one of those skirts you have but never actually put on."

"It won't look weird? Skirts make me look too tall."

Genevieve let out a quick breath, dismissing the idea. "Tall is not a bad thing – trust me on that, okay?"

"You're not gay, what do you know?" Jay shot back.

"I know more about looking attractive than you do, gay or straight," Genevieve told her bluntly. "Also, you are tall, it's a fact of your life. It's not something you can hide, and if Jensen doesn't like it, then screw her, you'll find someone else to date."

"What did I do to deserve you?" Jay said it with exasperation, but Genevieve knew what she meant.

"You were a goddamn saint in a past life," she said. "Now, it's cold there, right?" At Jay's affirmative she continued. "So you should wear boots, and a skirt, and leave your hair down."

"Okay," Jay said. "Okay, maybe it won't be a disaster."

"Of course it won't," Genevieve said. "Now go lay out your clothes and then do something mindless until you fall asleep."

Jay took her friend's extremely good advice and spent the evening soundly beating Chad at almost every videogame he threw at her. Jay had turned out to be surprisingly good at first-person shooting games for someone raised as a pacifist, and the mindlessness of it kept her worry at bay. It was the perfect way to prepare for her date with Jensen.

++++

After being stuffed into more of Danneel's uncomfortable clothing than she'd thought possible for one person to own in a quest for the perfect first-date outfit, Jensen retreated back to her room and locked the door. The bedside table loomed ominously at her, and she glared at it, not wanting to open the bottom drawer and get out what she needed. Danneel was out there, and she _knew_ what Jensen would be getting up to, and it was just very, very awkward.

Luckily for Jensen, Danneel chose that moment to yell "I'm going to the bar, don't wait up!" as the front door slammed.

She stood still for another few minutes, until the ridiculousness of being afraid of her own damn vibrator compelled her to open the drawer and get it out, settling herself on the bed and trying to relax. She pushed down her underwear and pajama pants, kicking them off, and hitched her tank top over her shoulders, leaving herself naked and feeling self-conscious. She took off her glasses and set them on the bedside table, relaxing further as the world became soft and fuzzy.

Closing her eyes, Jensen set the vibrator aside for the moment and tried to think about a girl, not Jay, just a girl – long, smooth legs and slim hips, the slight curve of small breasts, a wide mouth… 

She sighed and gave up – her body clearly wanted to think about Jay and she would just have to feel guilty about it later.

Picturing the last time she'd slept with a guy, she replaced the image of Justin with Jay, sliding a thigh between her legs, kissing her neck, those long fingers playing with her nipples. She used one of her own hands on her breasts, pinching lightly until her nipples felt electric and connected directly to her clit. Just the thought of Jay moving a hand down, slipping between her legs and rubbing softly over the hood of her clit, had Jensen gasping at the surge of lust that swept through her. She kept one hand massaging her breasts in turn and moved the other down, her mind concentrating on Jay – Jay's mouth moving down her neck to her breasts, Jay's fingers, two of them, pushing inside her. She pushed her own finger into her cunt and felt how wet she was, then reached for the abandoned vibrator, turning it on and rubbing it over her vulva, the vibrations travelling through her skin to her clit.

Jensen moved the vibrator lower, pushing it just inside and fucking herself shallowly. She rubbed her clit with her free hand slowly, still lost in the fantasy of Jay touching her. She didn't have to leave it there, either, she realized. Part of what she wanted was to touch Jay, to know exactly what those legs, what Jay's entire body, would feel like, bare and laid out for her to kiss and stroke. 

She moved the vibrator to press directly against her clit, her hips thrusting up involuntarily as she pushed two fingers from her other hand inside herself. She was grateful again that Danneel had left, as she couldn't hold back a moan. Her mind couldn't focus on any one image – she moved without logic from imagining pushing her fingers into Jay's cunt to kissing the join of her neck and shoulder to licking her nipples and biting them softly. She fell over the edge into a long, intense orgasm as she pictured Jay's face, flushed with arousal, open mouth and dark eyes. Her thighs closed without her conscious direction, squeezing the vibrator against her body as her hips rolled to make the feeling last. Her fingers slipped out and she managed to bring her hand to her mouth, pretending it was Jay she could smell and taste on her fingers.

When the aftershocks finally faded, Jensen turned off the vibrator and tossed it onto her sheets, breathing wildly. She could clean it tomorrow. "Jesus fuck," she said out loud. She had never come that quickly before.

She got ready for bed in a daze, and when she finally slept, she dreamt of laughter and dimples.

++++

Jensen shifted nervously in front of the entrance to the bar, tugging at the top Danneel had poured her into. It was tighter than anything she'd worn in a long time, with a low neckline ("it's not low," Danneel had protested, "it just doesn’t cover your whole neck!") and soft, naturally clingy fabric. The jeans were too tight as well, but at least she hadn't been forced into a skirt, and her hair was fixed normally, down around her face, with her bangs side-swept around her black, chunky glasses. Still, she was getting more attention from people than usual, and she wasn't sure she liked it. She pulled her jacket tighter.

She hadn't been to this particular bar since the beginning of her first year in Portland, and for good reason. It was too loud and dark, full of the kind of people Jensen usually avoided like the plague. She wasn't sure how she felt about coming back now, but Jay had wanted to know about the hot spots, and this was it, so she'd just have to suffer through it. Jensen started second-guessing herself as she waited – what if Jay hadn't meant this type of place? – and told her brain firmly to shut up.

After another moment of doing her best to avoid meeting anyone's gaze, Jensen felt a hand on her elbow and whirled around ready to yell, only to see Jay standing there, a hopeful smile on her face. She was wearing a crazy patchwork skirt in a riot of colors, purple leggings, and battered-looking doc martens that made her legs look even longer than usual, and Jensen had to work hard to avoid staring. Her brown hair fell down over her shoulders, and her typical t-shirt and hoodie combo was in place, but the hoodie was unzipped and the t-shirt seemed tighter than usual, outlining the slim curve of her breasts in a new and wholly distracting way. Jensen had a vivid flashback to the night before, picturing again what it would be like to see Jay naked, to touch her. God, she shouldn't have done that. Now she wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else all night.

"Hi," Jay said. "You ready to go inside?" Her smile got a little strange around the edges as she spoke, and her eyes grew wide. "Wow – you look – different."

Jensen shrugged uncomfortably. "Danneel likes to play dress-up," she said. "Come on, let's go get a drink."

They went inside and found a free table, and Jensen immediately offered to go get them each a drink, just to give herself some time to get it together.

"What do you want?" she asked, speaking loudly to be heard over the thumping of the music.

"Oh, um – a beer, I guess?" Jay tugged at her shirt, looking anywhere but at Jensen. "Whatever's good, you pick for me."

"Okay, just a sec." Jensen fought her way to the bar, grateful for how quickly the bartender took her order, even if he spent their whole conversation staring at her breasts. She took the two beers back to the table, squaring her shoulders. This was stupid, she liked Jay – it didn't need to be this weird. Her brain wasn't quite connected to her mouth, however, because the only thing she said once she'd given Jay her drink was "happy to be done with the quarter?"

Jay took a sip of her beer and nodded. "Yeah, it's nice to sleep in again for a while. Are you glad to be done?"

"I've still got to submit grades for Sam – Dr. Ferris – and my other profs," Jensen said. "Are you going home for the break?"

"Yeah," Jay said, gulping down another swallow of beer. "My mom's really into celebrating the solstice, so I have to go home and – it's really weird, I don't need to go into detail."

"No," Jensen protested. "I like hearing your stories."

Jay smiled and opened her mouth, but just as she started to speak, a baseball cap hit her in the head, then dropped to the floor. Jensen and Jay both stared as the cap's owner dove to the floor to grab it, then stood up and leered at Jay. 

"Hey, sorry," he said, not lifting his eyes from Jay's chest. "My buddies were messing with me, but I'm glad it brought me over here."

"It's okay," Jay said, crossing her arms over her chest. Jensen scowled at the guy, moments from punching him.

"Hey, do you mind?" she said. "We're having a conversation."

The guy turned to her briefly, then went back to staring at Jay. "You with this dyke, sweetheart?" he asked. "Cuz let me tell you, you can do better."

Jay put out a hand to stop Jensen from standing. "What, like you?" she asked scornfully. "I don't think so." 

The guy muttered under his breath, but when Jensen and Jay pointedly ignored him, he left, leaving them awkwardly holding their beers. 

"I'm so sorry," Jensen said eventually. She couldn't believe how badly this was going. This seemed like sitcom-level bad luck, and she didn't know how to change it.

"Not your fault," Jay replied. "Wow, I've never had someone hit on me so badly before."

Jensen laughed, and they drank in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes.

Jensen swallowed the last of her drink, and looked up, wanting to do something to get them both relaxed again. She reached over to nudge Jay's shoulder, and their eyes met. Jay looked miserable, and Jensen realized that she never would have pegged Jay as the trendy bar type if Jay hadn't asked specifically for a hot spot. Maybe Jay had been just as worried about making a good impression as Jensen had. Maybe they'd both be happier somewhere else, a place where drunken fratboys were less likely to hit on them.

Jensen opened her mouth just as Jay did.

"Hey, do you want to go – "

"This isn't really my kind of – "

They both laughed and Jensen felt the tension start melting away.

"So," she said, caught in a fit of bravery. "I like you, and I might have forgotten how well we usually get along, and panicked about you not having a good time with me because I'm so boring, and we never actually said this was a _date_ , and then that guy…"

Jay's smile got so wide Jensen worried about the structural integrity of her face. 

"You are so far from boring," Jay said. "I almost had a panic attack when I saw you dressed so fancy, and I've been worried about being too young and stupid for you all night, and freaked out that this was my one chance to convince you to date me."

"Well, then," Jensen said, standing up and holding out a hand. "Would you like to go get some pizza and see how this dating thing goes?"

"I'd love to," Jay replied, taking Jensen's hand and not letting go, even after they left the bar. Jensen steered them toward her favorite pizza place, conveniently nearby, and felt hope tripping wildly in her chest. They didn't talk as they walked, but it wasn't an awkward silence any longer.

At Charlie's, a huge pepperoni pizza on the table and Jay across from her, inhaling her second slice, Jensen relaxed completely. 

"I totally didn't think you liked girls," Jay admitted in between bites, ducking her head, then looking up at Jensen through her lashes. "I'm glad I was wrong."

"Mostly just you," Jensen replied honestly. "I, uh, didn't really think about it until you, but I didn't think much about anyone that way, guy or girl."

"Oh," Jay said. "Um, sorry?"

"No, it's a good thing, believe me." Jensen let her eyes linger on Jay's mouth, almost unconsciously. "I needed a reality check."

Jay licked her lips and smiled, pointing to her eyes. "They're up here," she said, and Jensen gaped for a second before smiling back. 

"Sorry," Jensen said. "Why don't you tell me the story about your mom and solstice? Talking about our families, that's appropriate date conversation, right?"

Jay laughed, tugging at the hair falling forward over her face as she leaned in closer. "My family is _never_ appropriate conversation, but I talk about them anyway."

"They seem more interesting than mine," Jensen offered. "My mom works for the school district near Dallas, and my dad's a business guy, all very boring."

"You're from Texas?"

"Yeah, but I went to college in Seattle, and I haven't lived in Richardson since high school. What, I don't sound like it?"

"Well, no, you don't," Jay said. "But that's where my parents are from – San Antonio. They moved to San Francisco – well, outside of it, anyway – before I was born, and they don't talk about their lives before the move very often."

"And now they live in a collective?" Jensen tried not to sound too skeptical, but Jay just laughed and nodded.

"Yeah, but it's basically just a big farm that they run with their best friends, not anything super formal." Jay took another bite of pizza and swallowed. "But they have a big solstice celebration every year, so I have to be home for that, or my mom thinks the new year won't be properly aligned or something."

"She sounds pretty fun," Jensen said. She could listen to Jay talk about almost anything, but this was especially enjoyable. Jay lit up when she talked about her family.

"Yeah," Jay nodded, and smiled again. "What do you do for the holidays?"

"Well, my family's pretty standard when it comes to those – we do the secular Christmas extravaganza." Jensen rubbed at the back of her neck. "I usually go visit for a few days before Christmas, when my brother can get time off and my sister's on winter break, but then I come back home to celebrate Christmas night with Danneel, and Misha and Vicki."

"Wow, you guys are really good friends."

Jensen grimaced. It wasn't entirely her story to tell, but Danneel really wouldn't mind, so she forged ahead. "Well, yeah, we are, but – Danny's parents kind of disowned her back in college, our junior year when she came out to them, so she and Misha and I made our own traditions. My family wants me to spend more time with them, but they understand about Danny."

Frowning, Jay kicked at something under the table. It was probably the first time Jensen had ever seen her look actively mad about anything. "That's such bullshit," she growled. "I can't believe anyone would do that to their own daughter! Poor Danneel."

"She's come out of it pretty well," Jensen said. "But, yeah, it was awful. I didn't want to leave her alone, so Misha's parents took all three of us in that first year, for like a week, and I think being smothered in homemade jam and cleansing yoga sessions really helped to take her mind off of everything."

"Misha's parents do cleansing yoga?" Jay raised an eyebrow and Jensen realized that she hadn't told Jay much about Misha and his family.

"I can't believe I didn't mention that yet – they have a big homestead-type place near Forest Grove, close enough to drive to in about an hour, and they make almost all their own food. Your parents would love them."

"Ha," Jay said. "They really would. I used to hear them talking about how awesome it would be to live in the "wilds of Oregon.""

"I can't wait to have you meet Misha – you can exchange war stories about life as a hippy child." Jensen didn't bother hiding her laughter, and Jay joined her almost right away. 

"Yeah, that sounds like fun," Jay said. "Are you going to eat that last piece?"

Jensen looked at the now-decimated pizza. "It's all yours," she told Jay. "Oh my god, where are you putting all that food? Does your stomach have a black hole?"

Sheepishly, Jay took the last slice and bit a sizable piece off into her mouth. Jensen felt a little ridiculous about finding that arousing, but she couldn't help it as she watched Jay's pink, soft lips moving as she chewed. 

"Sorry," Jay mumbled after swallowing. "I know it's kind of gross, but I think I might still be growing."

"It's not gross, believe me," Jensen said quickly. "The opposite, actually. I like how tall you are."

Jay blushed and looked over Jensen's shoulder at nothing. "You're the first person to tell me that," she said. "Usually it's more like "keep your freaky huge feet away from me, giant.""

"Well, I like your feet," Jensen said, enjoying the way her words made Jay's blush get deeper.

After dinner, since they'd both taken a bus, they walked slowly together back to a stop where they could each catch a ride home. They stood somewhat awkwardly together, waiting, but when Jensen saw her bus round the corner, she took Jay's hand and pulled her in close. 

"Is this okay?" she asked, moving slowly enough that her intentions had to be clear.

Jay smiled and leaned into the kiss. Jensen kept it chaste, just their lips pressing together, but it still sent chills down her spine to feel the soft touch of Jay's mouth against hers. They kissed until Jensen saw her bus stop at the curb. She squeezed Jay's hand one last time and said goodbye.

"I'll call you tomorrow?" Jensen said, and Jay nodded, still smiling.

Jay let go of her hand and waved as Jensen got on the bus. It was only a short ride back to her apartment, and she told herself she could wait until then to text Jay.

Jensen let herself into the apartment as quietly as she could when she got home, moving carefully in the dark to avoid waking Danneel. It was all in vain, though, because as soon as she opened the door to her own room, the bedside light came on and Misha and Danneel were revealed, sitting together on her bed.

"Jesus christ!" Jensen yelled, dropping her keys in shock. "What the hell are you guys doing?"

"Language," Danneel said primly. Jensen just gaped at her, and then at Misha when he added, "and what were you doing out so late, young lady?"

Jensen put down her bag and pulled off her jacket and Danneel's uncomfortable shirt, grabbing the nearest hoodie on her dresser to put on instead. She turned around to see Danneel covering Misha's eyes.

"You guys," Jensen said. "Can't I just enjoy the afterglow in peace?"

"There's afterglow?" Misha said, pushing away Danneel's hands. "You dirty girl!"

Jensen flushed. "Not that kind of – fuck, it was an awesome date, okay? And I just wanted to sit down and enjoy the fact that I kissed her without having to face an inquisition."

Danneel stood up and pulled Misha with her. "Okay," she said, giving Jensen a quick hug before herding Misha to the bedroom door. "We just wanted to make sure you didn't need to be talked down from a crisis or something – I'm glad you had a good time."

Jensen glowered as she shut the door behind them. "I had a great time, and thanks for thinking I'd need therapy after my date!"

She didn't know what to text to Jay now, so she settled for _got home safe? goodnight!_

There was a reply just as she got into bed: _yeah, i did! goodnight_ ;) and Jensen grinned herself to sleep.

++++

The week after their first date was the best time Jay could remember ever having. She felt silly about it and took Genevieve's teasing good-naturedly, but it was true. Jensen made her deliriously happy, and they saw each other almost every day until Jay left for her holiday trip home. They kissed almost every day, too, and even though it didn't move beyond that, Jay couldn't imagine anything more perfect.

Her parents were always happy to see her, and Jay felt bad that she wasn't as excited to be home as they were to have her. Her dad kept offering her pieces of his personal stash of fair-trade organic chocolate that she knew for a fact he could only afford to buy a little of each year. Her mom mostly watched her with a shrewd, knowing look in her eyes, and Jay knew it was only a matter of time before she would drag it out of her. During breakfast one morning, after everyone else had left the table, it happened.

"Looking forward to going back to school?" her mom asked nonchalantly.

Jay answered reflexively. "Yeah, I can't wait to see – " she stopped, watching her mother grin in triumph. "To see my friends," she finished.

It was too late, though. Her mom kept grinning.

"What's her name? This girl you can't wait to see who sends you text messages all day?" 

Jay slumped over on the table. "What girl? I could be texting with Genevieve, you don't know."

"Ha," her mom said dismissively. "You're my only child, I know you like the back of my hand. When you talk to Genevieve it's obvious. This is different – what's her name?"

"Jensen," Jay said miserably. "But mama, it's new, we just started dating, and I swear to god if you try to meet her before I'm ready I will become a corporate lawyer for the world's largest, most human-rights-abusing business in the world."

"What are you trying to accuse me of, Jared Tristan Padalecki?"

Her mother tried to look innocent and stern, but Jay knew better. "Promise, mama."

"I promise I'll be good," she answered. "I wouldn't have to take things into my own hands if you would just tell me about her, you know."

"Jensen Ackles, she's twenty-five, going to be an architect, and that's all you're getting!" Jay knew she was being kind of ridiculous, but it had kind of scarred her to grow up in a house where her mom knowing something embarrassing about her meant that all the other adults around knew it, too. Her mom, thankfully, seemed to know it was enough. Almost.

"She's being good to you?" Jay glared at her mom, who threw up her hands. "My last question, I swear!"

"Yes," Jay mumbled, her red face hiding behind her hands. "She's very good to me."

"Good," her mother said, satisfied. "Now, come help me get the table cleared."

After that, Jay relaxed and just enjoyed being with her family for the rest of her visit, and she didn't try to hide her texts with Jensen anymore, since it clearly hadn't been working. They didn't really text each other all day long, but it was at least once or twice a day. Jensen usually told her something funny her little sister said, or, after she'd gone back to Portland to be with Danneel and Misha, whatever crazy conversations the three of them had. Jay responded with odd things that happened on the farm, and it felt good, sharing silly little tidbits with Jensen every day. She also, secretly, drew a fresh, tiny heart on her hip every day, to help her remember the feeling of Jensen holding her close. She didn't put Jensen's name in it, but it was kind of a close thing.

She got back to Portland the morning of the thirty-first, and Jensen called her while she was still in the car with Chad on the way home from the airport. Jensen was outside Portland with Misha's family, along with Misha and Danneel, and Jay wouldn't see her until after the new year. She wanted to see Jensen sooner, but she also didn't want to crash a celebration she hadn't been invited to or seem clingy, so she vowed to enjoy Chad's New Year's Eve party, and for the most part, she did.

Jay stole away to her room before midnight, closing the door and turning on her own music to drown out the sounds from the living room. Chad knocked on her door soon after, and poked his head in.

"You all right, Jay?" 

"I'm fine," she smiled at Chad. "Just want to rest, but don't worry about me – enjoy your party."

Chad searched her gaze, probably trying to figure out if she was telling the truth. "Okay," he said eventually. "Just tell me if we need to quiet down or anything, yeah?"

"Sure," she replied. Chad pulled back outside her doorway, and Jay added, "thanks, Chad – for checking on me, that was really nice."

"Uh, sure," Chad said, embarrassed. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Jay said to her closed door. She lay down on her bed and had almost made up her mind to call Jensen when her phone started buzzing in her pocket. Expecting Genevieve, she answered without looking at the display and felt a zing of happy anticipation when she heard Jensen's voice.

"Hi," Jensen said. "I'm sorry to call so late, but I wanted to say Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," Jay replied. "It's not too late – I just left the raging party Chad's throwing in the living room for a little peace and quiet, but I wasn't asleep or anything. How are you?"

Jensen replied with a story about Misha's parents and the truly horrifying quantity of organic vegetables they'd forced her to eat, and they talked until Jay could hear the countdown starting outside her room. 

"I've got to go, but – I can't wait to see you," Jensen said.

"Me, too," Jay said. "See you soon, right?"

"Soon," Jensen said softly, and hung up. Jay spent the rest of the night with a dopey smile on her face, and she didn't mind one bit.

++++

Jay twisted her free hand in her hair again, pretending not to see Jensen casting concerned looks her way as they walked hand in hand on the way to Misha's apartment. Jay hadn't been worried about meeting Jensen's friends before, but the closer they got to their destination, the more nervous she felt. This was Jensen's family – just as close to her as her blood relatives – and if they didn't approve of Jay, it wouldn't lead to anything good.

"Are you okay?" Jensen asked, and Jay nodded, trying to smile.

She'd heard all about Danneel and Misha, and now the reality of meeting them loomed over her, crowding out her common sense. She almost wished Vicki, Misha's girlfriend, would be there, even though it would have meant meeting one more new person. She thought at least Vicki would understand the toughness of meeting your girlfriend's best friends – she'd had to go through the same thing with Danneel and Jensen when she started dating Misha.

"You really shouldn't be this nervous," Jensen said as they arrived at Misha's building. She stopped them outside the door and didn't hit any of the intercom buttons. "I, uh, kind of spent the entire break talking about you, so they're pre-disposed to like you."

"Yeah?" 

Jensen squeezed her hand. "Yeah," she said, pressing the intercom. 

Jay took advantage of her distraction to sneak a glance; Jensen got self-conscious if Jay did it openly for too long, but she was so gorgeous that Jay had to indulge once in a while. The walk outside in the chilly air had reddened her face, and her eyes were bright behind the black plastic frames of her glasses. She was always cold, and so today she had a fuzzy green scarf Misha had knitted her wrapped around her neck, with matching wrist-warmers under her sweater. Her black pea coat fit snugly around her chest and waist, giving Jay another reason to stare. Jay kept getting the urge to bury her face in the scarf, and had to work hard to keep herself from trying it.

"Misha's magical sex-shop," a voice crackled out of the speaker.

Jensen sighed. "It's me," she called, and the door buzzed open. Jay walked in, Jensen following her slowly. Jay bit back a smile at Jensen's frustrated face.

"On second thought," Jensen said, as they reached the elevator and stepped inside. "Maybe I don't want you to meet them. What if you realize how weird my friends are and decide I'm too much trouble?"

"I like your glasses and your freckles way too much for weird friends to swing the balance out of your favor," Jay said without thinking. She looked up quickly to see Jensen's reaction, enjoying the slight flush on her cheeks.

"Misha's pretty fucking weird," Jensen mumbled, and Jay leaned in to kiss her before they exited the elevator. Then they were at the door of the apartment, and it opened to reveal a redhead a few inches shorter than Jensen, who gave Jay a huge smile.

"You're here!" she said, beckoning them inside and shutting the door behind them. Jensen let go of Jay's hand as they walked inside and took off their jackets, and she felt the loss. She smiled at Danneel anyway – she'd never been short on charm, and she'd win over Jensen's friends no matter how hard she had to try.

"You have to be Danneel," Jay said, as they followed Danneel into the living room. "It's really good to meet you, Jensen talks about you all the time."

Danneel's lips quirked. "I bet," she said. "Luckily, I can say the same thing about you."

Jay thought Danneel meant that to be a friendly gesture, but it was hard to tell for sure. Danneel dropped down onto the couch next to a slim man with brown hair and blue eyes.

"Jay, this is Misha," Jensen said. "He kind of latched on to me and Danneel when he was our RA freshman year, and we haven't been able to get rid of him."

Misha stood and pulled Jensen into a hug, then turned and gave Jay the same hug, much to her surprise. "It's truly fantastic to meet you," he said, ignoring Jensen's shove to his arm and her verbal protest. 

"Misha, god, let her sit down at least."

Jay grinned. Getting a hug from Misha hadn't been expected, but she wasn't going to complain about it. "I'm happy to meet you, too," she told Misha. He sat back down, moving to an armchair, and Jay let Jensen tug her down to sit between Jensen and Danneel on the couch.

They made small talk for a while, and as time passed without Jay breaking anything or causing the conversation to come to a halt, she relaxed bit by bit, until she remembered something Jensen had told her earlier. She waited for Misha to finish the story he was telling about Danneel and Jensen's antics as freshmen, then brought it up.

"So, Jensen told me there's a traditional test I have to pass?"

"Yes," Misha said, looking sharply at Jensen. "Although it's against the rules to talk about it to the uninitiated," he added.

"I didn't tell her anything about it," Jensen said. "I just told her it existed."

"It's okay," Danneel said. "It's not that big a deal, anyway." She stood up and went to a tall cabinet next to the tv in the corner, pulling out two DVD cases. "I think we need a new version – this is almost too easy."

Misha began to explain as Danneel put a DVD into the player next to the tv. "First, you have to watch this movie, while we judge your sense of humor. Then, we'll watch another one and see how long it takes you to figure out the connection to the first movie."

Jay bit her lip and snuck a nervous glance at Jensen, who just smiled at her.

"I think you're probably going to pass," Jensen murmured into her ear, putting an arm around her and settling in for the movie. Jay tried to relax, but she was tense until she saw the opening credits.

"Oh my god," she said. "I love this movie!"

Jensen, Misha and Danneel stared at her, Danneel pausing the movie without looking at the remote in her hand or the tv. Jay fidgeted, nearly knocking over her glass of water on the coffee table.

"Uh, is that bad?" she asked. 

Jensen started laughing, while Danneel kept staring and Misha shook his head. "No," he said, chuckling as well. "It's just the first time we've ever met someone who's actually seen _The Reluctant Debutante_ before we showed it to them."

"We got it from the library about once a month when I was growing up," Jay explained. "My mom loves old movies, and that's pretty much all we watched since we didn't have tv."

"So you can just tell us right now – what's the connection between this and _Some Kind of Wonderful_?" Danneel asked.

Jay started to worry again. "Uh – I haven't seen that one. What's it about?"

They all started at her again, but Jay had the feeling it wasn't so positive this time.

Misha snorted. "This is going to be fun," he said, as Jensen took pity on Jay and explained.

"It's a John Hughes movie," she said. "The best one, and we’re definitely going to need to watch it first instead, so that you can still answer the question. You'll just do it in reverse of the usual order."

"Oh," Jay said, still not clear on why it was such a big deal that she hadn't seen the movie before. "Um, in my defense, my parents didn't let me watch movies made after 1975, as far as I can tell. And I kind of didn't catch up later when I could have because I was too busy forcing my best friend to watch _Xena_ with me constantly."

Danneel rolled her eyes. "You, me, and every other bicurious girl on the planet," she said. "And I don't mean that in a judging kind of way. I love that show."

"It's still a travesty that you haven't seen _Some Kind of Wonderful_ ," Misha put in. "So we're going to fix that right now."

Danneel switched the discs and Jay leaned into Jensen on the couch to get comfortable. She watched quietly, paying close attention to everything, afraid to miss something important. When the answer to the test came to her, she laughed, and whispered in Jensen's ear, "hot drummers."

Jensen looked at her for a moment, bemused, then smiled. "Exactly."

Jay couldn't resist kissing Jensen quickly before turning back to watch the rest of the movie.

Later, walking back to her apartment with Jensen, Jay had to admit that she'd been more nervous than the situation had really required.

"They liked you," Jensen told her, pulling one of Jay's hands into the crook of her arm. "I knew they would, you're kind of a neat person, you know."

Jay watched Jensen tug them closer together with amusement. Jensen was obviously trying to steal some of her body heat, but she went willingly, enjoying the closeness and the smell of Jensen's hair.

"Even though I'm an infant who'd never seen a seminal coming of age movie?"

"Well," Jensen said. "I'm pretty sure we can spin that so I'm dating a hot, younger woman, which should make up for any points lost otherwise."

"If you say so," Jay said, giggling a little. "I've never been anyone's trophy girlfriend, but for you I am completely willing."

Jensen squeezed her hand, and Jay spent the rest of the walk home doing a pretty good imitation of floating.

++++

Winter quarter sped by quickly for Jensen. She had fairly easy classes, but she'd applied for several different summer internships and was waiting to hear back from them all, and that took up quite a bit of her emotional energy. The rest of her attention was focused on Jay. They went out about once a week, but they spent evenings in together as well, and Jensen looked forward to those nights the most, when she could get Jay alone on the couch or the bed and kiss her until she'd had her fill. Jay always stopped them from moving beyond making out, and Jensen was starting to get a little discouraged. She was the one who hadn't had sex with a girl before, but Jay seemed more nervous about it than her. While she was frustrated, she also didn't want to push Jay, very aware of the fact that Jay was younger and possibly not as ready for more physical intimacy. She did have a breaking point, however, and one night she reached it when Jay pulled away from a particularly heavy kiss as soon as Jensen started to move her hand up from Jay's waist to her breasts. Jensen slumped over and sighed.

"What's wrong?" Jay asked, and Jensen tried to sound less irritated than she felt.

"Well, you never seem to want to keep kissing me, and you pull away whenever I try to touch you – I don't want to do anything you're not ready for, but Jay, I really want you."

Jensen watched Jay's face turn red, and continued. Better to get it all out now. "Is there a problem? Please tell me if there is."

"I don't want to rush you," Jay explained, her eyes downcast and her face turned to the side, away from Jensen. "I know you haven't been with a girl before, and I want you to really want me, and – "

"Jay," Jensen said firmly, making a quick decision to seat herself firmly on Jay's lap, thighs on either side of Jay's and her hands on Jay's shoulders. "I want you." Her irritation smoothed away a bit at the worried tone of Jay's voice, and her reluctance to let Jensen see how nervous she was.

"But you've always wanted guys before," Jay said, and Jensen shook her head.

"So you're trying to keep me from figuring out that you have boobs?" she asked, amusement warring with the frustration now. "Newsflash, Jay – I _know_ you're a girl, and I like it."

Jensen tilted Jay's face up, tried to let all the desire she felt smoldering in her body whenever she touched Jay come to the surface. It must have worked, because Jay's eyes darkened and she put her hands on Jensen's hips, her fingers gripping tightly. Jensen leaned in to kiss her, turning it dirty right away, tongue moving into Jay's mouth and staking her claim.

Jay moaned and pushed up into Jensen, kissing back just as heatedly. Jensen let her hands roam up above Jay's stomach, pulling lightly at her nipples and fondling her breasts in turn. Jay kept her hands gripped tightly around Jensen's hips as they pushed together, and Jensen loved the feeling of Jay's long fingers just one cotton layer away from her bare skin. When they finally broke apart, Jensen couldn't take her eyes off Jay's lips, reveling in how swollen they looked. She almost laughed at Jay's expression of wonder when she finally met her eyes again.

"Satisfied that I want you?" she asked, a mocking grin on her own lips. 

"I wouldn't call myself _satisfied_ at the moment," Jay replied, grinning back at Jensen. "But I do believe you."

"Good," Jensen said, moving to sit beside Jay, tucking her head onto Jay's shoulder. "I worry, too, you know," she added. "About whether I'm really what you want – you've had more experience with girls, what if you decide I'm not good enough someday?"

Jay snorted, and Jensen pinched her side. "Ow," Jay complained. "It's true, it's ridiculous to think I might find someone hotter than you, not to mention your other qualities."

"But – " Jensen opened her mouth, then shut it. She didn't want to ruin the mood with her insecurities. Jay didn't let her hide, though.

"What?" she asked, her hazel eyes sincere and slightly pouty. "Tell me," she urged, poking Jensen in the arm. "I told you what was worrying me."

"Genevieve," Jensen said finally, trying to not look at Jay. "You loved her, and I guess sometimes I think you might not be over that. I know it's dumb, I know she's your friend, but – it still gets to me once in a while." She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to know if she'd just made a huge mistake.

Jay didn’t reply right away, and Jensen eventually overcame her fear to look at Jay. She was oddly still, deep in thought, and it took another moment before she spoke. Jensen felt relief rush through her as Jay put an arm around her and pulled her in to place a kiss on her neck before leaning back to look her in the eyes. 

"I went through puberty with a gorgeous older best friend who was pretty much the most awesome girl in the universe, and I'm gay – I think it would have been weirder if I _hadn't_ crushed on her." Jay didn't smile, but Jensen could see the hint of one in her eyes. "But I promise you, once she let me down in the nicest way possible when I was sixteen, it took about a month of wallowing and lots of ice cream for me to realize that she was safe – that it was easy to be in love with her because it would never happen, and I could just always keep myself alone and nursing a creepy obsession instead of meeting people."

"You're not creepy," Jensen said, and Jay did smile then.

"Thanks, but I might have been if Genevieve hadn't told me to pull my head out of my ass. I love her, and I always have, but I'm not _in_ love with her, and to be honest, I never really was."

"I bet you were really cute as a sixteen-year-old," Jensen said, caught up in the idea of a younger, more awkward Jay, worrying about homework and crushing on her best friend.

Jay punched her shoulder lightly. "Wow, way to be a perv," she teased, and Jensen felt her face go red.

"Not like that," she protested. "I mean, well – oh, whatever." She grimaced at Jay obnoxiously, then sobered. "Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome," Jay said. "And you know, I was pretty hilarious. I mean, I listened to this one love song with Genevieve's name in it over and over every night with candles lit, staring at my Tori Amos poster, for at least a week. I thought the fact that her name was also the name of a song from one of my favorite bands was a total _sign_."

Jensen laughed, eventually doubling over in an attempt to contain her mirth. Jay took it like a champ, laughing along with her, their bodies pressed close on the couch.

"You're kind of awesome," Jensen said when she could speak again. "And I was no prize at sixteen, either, I guess. I had no friends and probably said about ten words out loud every day that weren't directly related to my homework. I'm pretty sure my teachers thought I had a speech impediment. It wasn't until college when I met Danneel and Misha that I learned how to communicate."

Jay studied her face thoughtfully, and Jensen felt exposed, suddenly vulnerable, as Jay moved to kiss her cheek and then leaned back again.

"I wish I had known you then," she said, and Jensen felt bad for her teenage self that she hadn't had a friend like Jay in her life. She shook off the feeling – she saw her past as an important part of the person she was now, and she wasn't given to self-pity about it – and looked up at Jay.

"Me, too," Jensen said simply. 

"Does this mean I really can call you my girlfriend?" Jay asked as though she were joking, but Jensen felt pretty sure it was a genuine question.

"I've been thinking of you that way for a while," Jensen said, and Jay beamed. She kissed Jay then, and even though neither of them had said anything more permanent than girlfriend, she felt the inevitability of her feelings for Jay wash over her. She didn't want to say it – didn't want to name something she could still lose, and it was too soon for anything like that – but Jensen knew that someday, her fear would lose its hold.

++++

A few nights later, they went to Jensen's apartment to watch a movie. Danneel joined them, which meant Jay had to work to get Jen comfortable enough to lean into her on the couch. Jensen always seemed a bit stiff when they were around Danneel, or any of her other friends, and Jay tried to not take it personally. Jensen was a private person, and Jay liked that about her, most of the time. She knew Danneel approved of her, at least, for which Jay felt extremely grateful.

The movie ended with Jensen asleep on Jay's shoulder, glasses askew on her face, huffing quiet breaths into Jay's neck, and Jay exchanged an amused look with Danneel.

"It seems mean to wake her up," she told Danneel in a whisper.

Danneel smiled. "Yeah, but if you let her sleep out here, her back really won't appreciate it in the morning. Just walk her into her room, she'll go along with you. She's a deep sleeper."

"Okay," Jay said, feeling a little jealous that she didn't know what kind of sleeper Jensen was yet. "C'mon, babe," she whispered into Jensen's ear, sliding out carefully from underneath Jensen's sleeping weight and pulling Jensen along with her.

Jensen didn't open her eyes fully, but she did stumble into Jay's arms, and cooperated as Jay navigated them carefully to Jensen's room. Danneel called a soft "goodnight" from the living room, and Jay heard her bedroom door close a moment later. Jensen slumped against the doorframe, finally looking at Jay with mostly open eyes, but clinging to her with both hands to keep from falling over.

"You're so tall," Jensen said, and Jay smothered her laughter. 

"That's a very astute observation for someone who's still half asleep," she replied. She pulled off Jensen's glasses to keep them safe.

Jensen frowned and closed her eyes, leaning forward against Jay again. "I like it," she muttered against Jay's neck. "You're like a moving couch with boobs."

Jay couldn't muffle her laughter at that. Jensen pulled back, affronted, and pouted. "It's a compliment," she said, still mumbling her words, eyes half-lidded. "I like couches, and I like your boobs."

"I like your boobs, too," Jay said, moving them into the bedroom and closing the door. "But you need to sleep, and I should probably go home."

"No," Jensen said loudly, sitting on the bed and pulling Jay down with her. "Stay, please?"

Jay hesitated for a moment, thinking about how difficult it would be to keep her hands to herself while sleeping in the same bed as her gorgeous girlfriend. Jensen seemed to take her silence for assent, because she started clumsily taking off her jeans, revealing simple black cotton boy briefs barely covering her ass, and bare thighs Jay wanted to lick. She didn't have to be anywhere in the morning, and she wasn't strong enough to say no to Jensen – sleepy, adorable, and half-naked Jensen. 

She set Jensen's glasses on the nightstand, then unhooked her bra, pulling it out through her sleeves, and took off her pants, dropping both into a pile on Jensen's desk chair, and turned around in time to see Jensen struggling to pull off her shirt.

"Want some help with that?" she asked.

Jensen looked up and smiled lazily. "Wanna take advantage of me, huh?"

"What? No," Jay protested, then scowled when Jensen laughed. 

"It's okay," Jensen said, successfully removing her shirt, leaving her in a tank top and underwear. "We can just cuddle." She got under her covers and patted the pillow next to hers invitingly.

"I want you awake for it when I really take advantage," Jay said, crawling into the bed next to Jensen. She ran a hand down Jensen's hip, palming her ass lightly. Jensen had an amazing ass even hidden under jeans, but with only her underwear on, Jay had a hard time paying attention to anything else.

"Mmm, yeah," Jensen murmured, curling up against Jay, her eyes closing again. "'night."

"Goodnight," Jay whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Jensen's head. Jensen's breathing evened out almost right away, but Jay stayed awake for a while, savoring the weight of Jensen's warm body against hers. When she finally fell asleep, her lips were still curved into a smile.

++++

Jensen came awake immediately, and when she felt someone next to her in the bed, she panicked for about five seconds before she remembered that Jay had spent the night. Jensen had basically _begged_ her to spend the night. "Oh, god," she groaned.

Jay shifted in her sleep, her arm still wrapped around Jensen, cradling her. "Jen?" she mumbled.

"Yeah," Jensen said, moving to disentangle their bodies and put her glasses on so that she could properly look at Jay.

"Where are you going?" Jay asked, finally opening her eyes and smiling at Jensen. Her hair was a mess, sticking out in all directions, and her face had pillow creases. Jensen wondered self-consciously about her own hair – it couldn't be as cute as Jay's.

"I totally coerced you into spending the night," Jensen said. "I'm so sorry, did you have class today?"

Jay rolled onto her stomach and pulled Jensen close again, arms wrapped around Jensen's shoulder and stomach, a long leg pushed in between Jensen's thighs. She was wearing the t-shirt from the night before and pink polka dot underwear, and fuck, Jensen had never been more turned on.

"No classes til this afternoon, and I liked sleeping next to you," Jay said, her hand rubbing circles lower and lower on Jensen's stomach. "Can I kiss you?"

Jensen choked out a laugh, then looked Jay in the eyes. "Are you kidding? You can always kiss me."

Jay didn't answer, just leaned up and kissed Jensen slowly, turning the kiss deep and filthy almost immediately. Jensen ignored their (not-so-bad) combined morning breath and groaned into it, opening her mouth and running her hands down Jay's back to her ass. She felt crazy with lust all at once, pulling Jay's leg more closely in between her own and moaning as the weight of Jay's thigh pushed against her clit, intense pressure with only the thin cotton of her underwear separating their bodies.

"Jen," Jay said, in a breathless voice. "Are you? Can I?"

"Fuck, yes," Jensen replied, pushing her hips up against Jay's, rubbing her thigh against Jay's crotch and arching into the pulsing heat she felt there, almost as good as the feeling of Jay pressing against her. Jay moved one hand down to cup Jensen's left breast through her tank top, pinching her nipple and kissing Jensen at the same time.

"Oh my god," Jay said, breaking away from the kiss to look at her, sounding surprised and pleased. "You are so – so gorgeous like this."

Jensen flushed hotter but didn't break eye contact, craving the connection and the knowledge that Jay was just as affected by this as she was. She reached out and tugged Jay's shirt, helping as Jay pulled it over her head and tossed it to the floor. Jensen lifted her head and licked at the small, pink nipples the shirt had been covering, relishing Jay's gasps as she moved from one breast to the other before pulling away, keeping her hands on Jay's back.

"Just like this," she said, increasing the speed of their rhythm, letting Jay's thigh send shockwaves of pleasure through her entire body. "I want to come like this, can we?"

"God," Jay breathed, burying her face in Jensen's neck, licking her shoulder and taking soft, tiny bites. "Yes." She kept her thigh rubbing against Jensen, and Jensen could feel wetness against her own thigh, the evidence of Jay's arousal only adding to her own. They moved together perfectly for what seemed like endless moments, and Jensen couldn't believe it had taken her so long to realize that this – wet heat and a soft mouth on her neck, the feeling of breasts pressing into her own – was something she wanted. Her orgasm came almost without warning, so quickly she didn't quite believe it.

"Fuck, oh fuck yes," she moaned, pressing into Jay's thigh and riding out the pleasure, little aftershocks shuddering through her for long seconds afterward.

"Jen – did you – did you come, oh my god," Jay said, her voice sounding broken, and Jensen held Jay's hips in both her hands, and pulled Jay down onto her thigh, rubbing up and loving the wild way Jay pushed against her, seeking her own orgasm.

She seemed to come forever, eyes closed, head back and mouth open. Jensen watched her avidly and moved one hand up to stroke over her nipples as her body's movements slowed, and she opened her eyes to look down at Jensen.

"Fuck, I'm spending the night more often," she gasped, rolling to her side and snuggling against Jensen, her breasts pressed firmly against Jensen's side and giving Jensen thoughts about round two.

Jensen watched Jay fall into a doze, and agreed wholeheartedly.

++++

Since they'd both had separate spring break plans before they'd started dating, Jensen and Jay reluctantly agreed that they should keep their original plans. Jensen had the faint, irrational worry that they were moving too quickly, as well as the fear that Jay would find someone better visiting Genevieve in California for almost two weeks. Neither fear made sense, and she gratefully let Misha, Danneel and Vicki keep her occupied during their short trip to the coast. She also had several internship interviews, which did an excellent job of keeping her mind clear.

When Jay came back to Portland, they retreated to Jay's bedroom and didn't leave unless they had to for school or work, until their friends were thoroughly disgusted and Jensen's worry had been completely destroyed. They had to rejoin the real world eventually, however.

Jensen was pretty sure she and Jay would both still rather be at home watching a movie, but Danneel had made them both promise to stop being such recluses, and so they were at someone's house – a friend of Danneel's girlfriend, Jensen thought – trying to be social. Well, Jensen was trying, and Jay was succeeding. Jensen watched fondly as Jay told hilarious stories about growing up in a commune to Adrianne and another of Danneel's friends Jensen knew fairly well, Mike. Jay had them laughing and totally relaxed, and even though Jensen was pretty sure that Danneel wouldn't consider it being social, she enjoyed watching Jay have fun more than she would enjoy having to do all that talking herself.

Eventually, Vicki came over to Jensen's little corner and asked her to settle an argument she was having with Misha, and Jensen followed her to another room, leaving Jay with her admirers. It was a while before she could convince Misha that she and Vicki were right about his new sweater, which was the ugliest thing Jensen had ever had the misfortune of seeing. She eventually started wandering back to where she'd left Jay, but before she could find her, she ran straight into someone she really didn't want to see.

"Hey, Jen," Justin said, once they'd both stepped back and he'd apologized for almost knocking her over.

"Hi," she said awkwardly. "Uh, I have to – " She really just wanted to bolt, but that would be rude, and she and Justin hadn't parted on bad terms. She just had no desire to spend any time with him, that was all. Since they'd broken up, he'd made a few attempts to hang out, all of which she'd ignored. Apparently he hadn't gotten the message.

"It's good to see you," Justin said, leaning against the wall on one side of the hallway, settling in for an actual conversation. Jensen sighed inwardly.

"Yeah," she said. "How are you?"

Justin smiled and moved closer, and Jensen started to worry that this would be more than just an awkward conversation with her ex. 

"I'm great," he said. "Just got a promotion, so I'm working more than ever, but it's pretty cool." 

Jensen moved back slightly, trying to put more distance between them, but Justin didn't seem to notice her discomfort and just moved closer to her.

"Listen, Jen," he said, using what Jensen used to call his seduction voice. She and Danneel always had quite a good time making fun of that voice. "I'm really glad to see you here – I miss you, and I – "

"Jensen?" Jay's voice came from behind Justin, and Jensen had never been happier to see Jay. She leaned around Justin's tall frame and smiled widely at Jay. 

"Jay," she said, motioning her to come forward. "I was just coming to find you. This is Justin." Justin watched in bemusement as Jensen pulled Jay in and tucked an arm around her waist. Jensen turned back to Justin and was about to introduce Jay when Jay cut in.

"Hi, I'm Jay," she told Justin shortly, not offering her hand to him. Clearly, she had remembered Jensen mentioning his name as one of her ex-boyfriends. Jensen smothered a laugh at the very idea of Jay being jealous of Justin, and waited for her to add something about how Jensen was hers now, but Jay stayed silent as Justin said hello, and Jensen realized Jay was letting her choose whether or not to come out to Justin.

"Jay is my girlfriend," she said, enjoying the pleased expression that broke out on Jay's face at her words. "Since December, right, babe?"

Justin paled. "Girlfriend?" he squeaked, and man, Jensen was just sorry that she couldn't come out to him more than once. This was hilarious.

Jay grinned at him, teeth showing white and shark-like in her mouth. "Nice to meet you," she said.

"Likewise," Justin stammered, before recovering his composure. He looked at Jensen and then at Jay, frowning. "Really?" he asked. "I wouldn't have pegged you for a dyke, too." 

Jensen suddenly remembered with dismay how uncomfortable Justin had always seemed around Danneel, who didn't hide the fact that she was bi. Jay flushed with anger and took a step closer to Justin, standing almost as tall as he did.

"Want to say that again?" she asked, deceptively calm.

Shaking his head, Justin frowned and walked briskly down the hallway, disappearing into what Jensen thought was the kitchen. She turned to look at Jay. 

"Thanks," she murmured, kissing Jay's cheek. "That was a nice rescue, and congratulations on not killing him with your eyes."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jay asked. "He wasn't being very nice about us."

"He's all hot air," Jensen replied. "Don't worry about it." 

"He's a moron," Jay stated emphatically. "He let you get away."

Jensen felt her face go soft and adoring, and she hid her sappy smile against Jay's neck for a moment. Jay lifted her head up and pulled her in for a kiss, a chance Jensen took eagerly. Jay pushed her against the wall and stepped in between her legs, kissing her more deeply, and Jensen pushed back, loving the feel of Jay's body against hers. They kissed for long moments, until Jensen's glasses were crooked and her breath was coming in fast, hitching little puffs of air, and Jay's face was red, her lips swollen. Then Misha appeared in Jensen's peripheral vision. He grinned approvingly at her.

"Not that everyone here doesn't enjoy lesbian exhibitionism," he drawled. "But maybe it's time for you two to head out before Vicki starts planning a foursome."

Vicki peeked out from behind Misha's back and gave them both a lascivious grin Jensen would bet good money was only half-faked.

Jay pulled back from Jensen, flushing even redder, refusing to meet anyone's gaze. Jensen just laughed, pulling Jay along with her toward the front door, grateful that, besides Misha and Vicki, only a few people she didn't know had appeared to see their little scene. God, she couldn't believe she had done that.

"Tell Danneel we left?" she called back over her shoulder, and Misha replied that he would. 

Jensen and Jay walked to the MAX station in what Jensen assumed was horny silence. It was awkward, but Jensen really couldn't think about anything other than getting Jay naked and touching her everywhere, watching her fall apart and knowing it was because of her.

"You really don't have to be jealous," she said, trying to take her mind off of the dirty images it kept flashing before her. "We broke up over a year ago, and it was never serious. Also, he's a homophobic jerk."

Jay laughed a little, holding tight to Jensen's hand as they got to the station and rushed onto the train just about to leave. "I'm not _jealous_ ," she protested. "Well, kind of, but mostly I just really think he's an idiot and I'm lucky that he is, or I might not have you."

"Well, you do have me," Jensen said firmly. "And I wouldn't want it any other way."

Jay gave her a pleased grin, and when they got off the train to head back to Jay's apartment, Jensen stopped them every now and then to kiss Jay again, until she was pretty sure they might not actually make it inside before she combusted.

++++

When they stumbled into her bedroom, Jay was so wet she couldn't quite believe it. She didn't think she'd ever been this desperate for anything before, and Jensen must have felt the same way – she didn't pause at all, just pushed Jay down on the bed and started pulling her top off, hampered by their frantic kissing, but not in any rush to end it. Somehow, Jay managed to kick off her shoes, but she had no idea how Jensen took care of the rest.

"God," Jensen growled, not giving up until she'd stripped Jay completely and shed her own jeans and sweater. "I want you so fucking bad, want to taste you."

Jay stared at Jensen's eyes, almost completely black with just hints of green around the edges. When had she taken her glasses off? "Yes," she said helplessly. "Please, yes."

Jensen grinned smugly at her. "I've thought about it," she murmured, moving down the bed to kneel in between Jay's spread thighs. "I think about how gorgeous every part of your body is, especially here – " Jensen pushed a finger inside Jay without warning, then licked around it, her left hand holding Jay's hips down against the bed. 

"Jesus," Jay gasped, not caring how wanton she sounded. "Oh, Jen, fuck, please." They'd used their hands on each other before, and Jay had spent a good amount of time exploring all of Jensen's body with her tongue, but this was the first time Jensen had decided to go down on her.

"Mmmm," Jensen hummed, her tongue now moving in slow circles around Jay's clit, the motion too slow to do anything but torture Jay with the sensations. Jay tried to relax and just enjoy it, but she was acutely aware of Jensen, couldn't look away from her breasts, still hidden in a black cotton bra, and the top of her head, right there between Jay's legs. She wanted to see more.

Jensen lifted her head when Jay tugged gently on her hair, removing her finger as well. "Not good?" she asked, her lips shiny and wet, and Jay almost forgot why she'd stopped her.

"It's – what?" she started, then caught up with herself. "It's amazing, I just – can you take your bra off? I want to see you, you have no idea how incredible you look right now."

"Okay," Jensen said, reaching to unhook her bra. She moved in an unselfconscious way that Jay loved because it meant Jensen was comfortable, sliding it over her shoulders and tossing it to the floor. "Sexy enough for you?" Jensen asked with a smirk.

Jay nodded dumbly. "Yeah," she said, staring at Jensen's nipples, hard and stiff, standing out from her breasts. It made her want to lick them, but before she could make a move, Jensen decided it had been long enough and pushed Jay's thighs open again, leaning back down to lick long stripes up Jay's outer lips. She focused on Jay's clit again after a moment, flicking her tongue in a steady and insistent rhythm that made it hard for Jay to hold still. Jensen moved her hands to hold Jay's hips, keeping them from moving much as she licked harder, only stopping to catch her breath, and then immediately pushing in again. 

"Oh my god, I love your mouth," Jay gasped. "Fuck, that feels so good." Jensen kept moving, her lips closing around Jay's clit and sucking hard.

Jay tried her best not to move, but it was impossible to stop the rolling of her hips as Jensen's tongue and lips worked her clit into a frenzied orgasm, so sharp and intense that it almost hurt. Before she'd even finished coming, Jay sat up, moving to lean against the wall next to the bed, and pulled Jensen up onto her lap. They both struggled awkwardly with Jensen's underwear for far too long before Jensen said "fuck it," and stood up to take them off. Jay laughed, but it died quickly when a completely naked Jensen crawled right back into Jay's lap, kneeling with her legs spread over Jay's thighs, balancing precariously. Jay kissed her and pushed two fingers into her cunt at the same time, feeling and loving the shudder that went through her. 

Jensen pulled back just enough to speak, whispering into Jay's mouth as she clung to Jay's shoulders and pushed her body into the movement of Jay's fingers. "Oh god, Jay, please, fuck me, fuck me – " She bit her lip and let her head fall back as Jay started pushing on her clit with a thumb, fingers still deep inside her and Jay's other hand firmly gripping her hip. 

Jay grinned and used the hand on Jensen's hip to hold Jensen steady as she moved her fingers more quickly and rubbed her thumb in fast circles on Jensen's clit. Jensen was so beautiful like this, her face flushed and her hair in disarray, moaning and clinging to Jay like she'd fall without the support. Jay almost didn't want her to come, wanted to keep touching her forever, and when she did, muscles clenched tight around Jay's fingers and biting back a sharp yell, Jay didn't stop.

Jensen collapsed against Jay's chest, her mouth letting hot gusts of air reach Jay's shoulder. 

"Oh my fucking god," she whimpered. "Don't stop, don't stop – oh – "

Jay kept rubbing at her clit, amazed that Jensen could still stand such direct contact. Her whole hand was wet, Jensen's slick running down to her wrist, and Jay felt crazily powerful. It was almost as good as coming herself when Jensen tried to bring her thighs together, pressing into Jay's hand and shuddering as she had her second orgasm of the night. Jay kept up a gentle rhythm until Jensen starting shaking her head.

"Oh my god," she said. "I can't – no more, too sensitive."

Jay pulled her fingers out and made sure Jensen was watching when she sucked them into her mouth, licking off the sweet taste. 

Jensen laughed weakly. "Are you trying to kill me?" 

Smiling smugly, Jay tilted Jensen back, helping her lay down on the bed, then moved to settle at her side, her right arm moving lazily up and down over the heated skin of Jensen's stomach.

"If I say "but what a way to go," will you break up with me?" Jay asked. 

"No, but I am going make you come again," Jensen said, and Jay kissed her, more than ready for whatever Jensen had in mind.

++++

After they'd worn themselves out, Jay dozed for a while until something woke her. She shifted in the bed and pulled the sheet up to her chest, starting to feel the chilly air now that they'd stopped moving.

"What's wrong?" Jensen asked sleepily, waking from her own doze and turning on her side to face Jay. 

Jay couldn't find the right words, but she could see Jensen starting to worry, so she blurted out the first thing she thought. "That was so much better than using my – " she stopped abruptly, turned red, and tried to die. How on earth had she survived this long, anyway?

Jensen smiled, curling her lips up into a shape that made Jay want to kiss her again, and maybe just never stop, but first she had to explain.

"I mean, I – that was – incredible," she started to say, but Jensen didn't let her finish.

"That was the best sex I've ever had, with or without a partner. Even better than the last time with you." Jensen leaned over Jay, kissing up her neck.

"Oh," Jay said inanely. "Um, good?"

"Yeah, Jay, good," Jensen laughed softly and kept kissing her, and Jay didn't understand how she was supposed to finish school, or go to work or eat or sleep, not when she could be with Jensen.

"Does that mean you won't dump me for Justin?"

Jensen smirked up at her, and Jay gulped. "You know, we could be trying for four times in three hours instead of asking stupid questions," Jensen whispered, and Jay felt fingers start to move down her belly, and agreed not to ask any more stupid questions.

Later, Jay lay curled on her side, her head resting on Jensen's stomach and Jensen's hand running through her hair. Jay felt tired and sated, but not yet ready to fall asleep. Jensen's hand felt soothing on her head, and Jay was pretty sure she was close to purring in contentment. The hand finally slowed as Jensen slumped further down in the bed, moving Jay's head from her lap to her chest.

"I'm so tired," Jensen said, her eyes closed and her voice quiet. "But next time, I think I want to try some toys."

Jay sat up. "Toys? What toys?"

Jensen snuggled into Jay's side. "You know, vibrators and stuff," she mumbled, half asleep.

"You want to try sex toys?" Jay didn't mean to sound so shocked, but she had figured it would take a while for Jensen to want to expand their sex life again. Just the thought of Jensen with a strap-on was getting Jay ready for another round.

"Ngnnght," Jensen replied, her head falling back onto the pillow. Jay poked her stomach to no avail.

"Jensen! You can't start talking about sex toys and then just fall asleep," Jay complained, but Jensen was an extremely heavy sleeper, and she didn't reply except to start snoring, little snuffling noises Jay found adorable until she herself needed to sleep. Jensen was convinced she never snored.

Jay vowed to get a recording of Jensen's less than ladylike snoring in revenge, then tried her best to go to sleep. In the morning, Jensen showed no signs of remembering their post-coital conversation, and Jay let it drop. Her fantasy life did, however, feature a marked increase in the number of "Jensen with a strap-on" scenarios.

++++

Just when Jensen was starting to feel that her life had turned into a very gay fairy tale, reality showed up to slap her in the face.

Five weeks before graduation, Sam called Jensen into her office without an explanation. Jensen hadn't worried about it until she was sitting across from Sam, who wore a serious expression Jensen had never seen directed at her before. She sat up straighter in her chair.

"Jensen," Sam said, then paused. "I'm sorry to have to ask this, but what's your relationship with Jared Padalecki?"

Jensen stared. "Um," she said. "She's my – my girlfriend."

"Damnit," Sam muttered under her breath. "Does that explain this picture, then?"

Sam pushed an envelope across her desk to Jensen, who opened it to find a picture of herself and Jay, sitting together at a table in one of the campus cafes. She had her arm around Jay, and they definitely looked cozier than two friends usually would. She remembered that day, but she couldn't begin to guess who would have been taking pictures of them. She shivered at the idea of someone being close enough to do that without her noticing. Jensen looked back up at Sam wordlessly. She didn't understand what any of this meant.

"I got a letter with the picture," Sam said eventually. "It said that I needed to look into the relationship between my TA and one of her students."

"A letter from who?" Jensen asked, and Sam shook her head.

"I don't know, it wasn't signed. But Jensen, it's not good. Why would you date a student?"

"I didn't," Jensen protested, head still spinning. "Sam, I wouldn't! We didn't even start spending time together as friends until the quarter was over and her grades were in! She's not even in the architecture program!"

Sam kept eye contact with Jensen for a long moment, seemingly trying to ascertain Jensen's truthfulness. 

"Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "Okay, I believe you. But Jensen, you should have told me you were dating a former student. You know how far some people will go to discredit someone they envy, and you're one of our top students in the program. If I'd known all along, it wouldn't have been as big of an issue, but it doesn't look good that you kept it a secret."

"I didn't mean to," Jensen said, the confusion still plain in her voice. Who would have sent that note to Sam? She had always gotten along with the other people in her program, and there was no one who – she stopped that thought abruptly. She had been getting what she had assumed were random prank calls for the last few weeks, where the caller would breathe for a few seconds and then hang up. Maybe it wasn't random at all – but she still couldn't think of someone she knew who would do that to her.

"Sam, I'm so sorry – I didn't mention it because it didn't even occur to me that it might look bad, since we didn't do anything until the quarter was over. I didn't mean to hide it!"

"I understand, but – I'm sorry about this Jensen, but I'm going to have to suspend your TA position for the rest of the year." Sam sighed, her eyes heavy with pity. "I want you to know that I don't believe you did anything wrong, but this letter and picture got sent to the Dean as well as to me. If I'd known ahead of time, I might have been able to do something else, but he initially wanted to drop you from the program completely. I can convince him not to do that, but I'll have to take away your TA job."

"What?" Jensen said, her voice barely audible even to herself.

"You'll be okay," Sam said, as if she were trying to convince both of them. "You're generally a smart person, and I don't think one bad decision is the end of your career. If you need anything – well, you know where I am."

Jensen nodded dumbly. She couldn't believe this was happening. Sam gave her a sad, disappointed smile as she stood up, ending their meeting, and Jensen's eyes stung with angry tears at losing the trust of her mentor. She walked stiffly out of Sam's office with her head held high, fighting to keep herself calm. 

Outside the building, Jensen allowed herself to slump, and sank down onto a bench to think. She would still get her degree, and she still had the internship for the summer, but she doubted Dean Morgan would be receptive to her job application at his firm, which had been her ultimate goal after graduating. She'd have to find another job right away – they couldn't take away her partial tuition waiver for the quarter, but she'd need money for rent and food. And what should she tell Jay? She knew Jay would feel guilty, would try to take responsibility for this somehow, but if it was anyone's fault, it was her own. She should have been thinking, should have been responsible. 

Jensen lifted her head at the sound of her name, steeling herself for conversation. She didn't want to face anyone she knew, but it looked like she wasn't going to get a choice. When she recognized Justin's face bending over hers, she blinked in surprise. He was the last person she expected to run into on campus.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You don't look so good."

"I'm – I'm just a little upset," she answered, wiping at her eyes. "I had a really bad day."

"I'm sorry," Justin said. He sat down next to Jensen and touched her arm, which spurred her into moving away. She didn't need his sympathy.

"Did that girl do something to you?" he asked. Jensen looked around, not understanding what he meant.

"What girl?" Jensen asked, when it was clear Justin wasn't going to explain himself.

He looked away, over her shoulder, and mumbled "your girlfriend."

"Jay?" Jensen said. "Why would you even bring her up? It's school stuff, not her."

"You just didn't look very happy, and I know she's been around a lot lately. It seems like she's trying to make you someone you're not."

"What, and you know who I really am?" Jensen asked. "I haven't seen you more than three times since we broke up. How do you know – wait, have you been – have you been _stalking_ me?"

When he flushed, Jensen knew she'd hit on the truth. She stood up from the bench. "So you've just been following me around, waiting for a good moment when I looked vulnerable to give me a lecture and…" she trailed off, suddenly sure that he hadn't waited for a chance. He'd _created_ the chance. No one else she knew even vaguely would do something like this.

"You did it, didn't you?" she asked. "You spied on me, found out that Jay took a class where I was the TA, and then sent Dr. Ferris that picture and the note?"

"What note?" Justin asked, failing to achieve the calm for which he was clearly trying.

"The note that got me fired from my TA job, which is the whole reason for my bad day!"

"I'm doing this for your own good!" Justin shouted, finally losing his temper. He stood up as well and came closer, and Jensen shrank back, embarrassed by the people beginning to notice their conversation, but grateful for their presence all the same. Justin wouldn't dare do anything too awful in front of so many witnesses. 

"You have to understand that your actions have consequences," he said, his voice quieter, but still tight with anger. "If you insist on an unnatural relationship, bad things are going to happen to you."

"What is wrong with you?" Jensen couldn't reconcile the man in front of her with the person she'd dated. His red face looked fervent, like he actually believed what he was saying. "The only bad thing that's happened to me lately is all your doing!"

"No," he denied. "No, I'm helping you. I could be so good for you, you have to see that!"

Jensen shook her head. "The only thing I see is that you're completely delusional. I'm leaving now, and if I hear from you again or see you anywhere near me or Jay, you're going to regret it."

She started walking away, and when he followed her and tried to grab her am, one of the people who'd been surreptitiously watching them came up to her and smiled at Jensen.

"Hey," she said, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind one ear. "Are you okay?"

Justin tried to grab Jensen again, and the woman neatly pulled Jensen out of reach. "This is a private conversation," he told her.

"I'm okay, I just need to leave," Jensen told the woman. She nodded and ignored Justin, linking arms with Jensen and walking them away. Justin let them leave without further incident, and at the edge of campus, Jensen thanked her escort.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," she said. "I'm Jensen, and that's my shitty ex who can't handle the fact that I'm dating a girl now."

"I'm Katie," the woman said. "And I'm just glad I could help." She sighed. "I know what's it like to have an ex like that."

"I'm sorry," Jensen said again, and Katie just smiled at her. 

"If he makes you feel unsafe again, you can come to the campus Women's Center," Katie said. "I volunteer there, but we also have actual counselors and pre-law students, too."

"I do know about it," Jensen said. "I just never thought I'd need to use it."

"Hopefully you won't. Be safe, Jensen," Katie said, turning to walk away. Jensen waved and then turned to make her own way to the MAX station.

Jensen fumed all the way home, and when she saw that Danneel wasn't there, she left again right away to see if Jay was home. She walked, using the time to think about everything. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell Jay – she'd probably feel responsible. But Jensen couldn't keep something like losing her job a secret for long, and Jay deserved the truth. 

Decision made, Jensen didn't waste any time with small talk when Jay let her into the apartment, and told Jay everything that had happened.

"That dirty little bastard!" Jay said when she had finished. "I wish I could punch him."

Jensen grinned, but Jay's face suddenly fell. "Oh, Jensen, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. And what if that girl hadn't been around to help you leave?"

"But she _was_ there, and this is not your fault," Jensen retorted. "It's Justin's fault for being a jerk." She could tell Jay didn't really believe her.

"I can talk to Dr. Ferris, and the Dean," Jay said. "Let me go and tell them it's not what they think."

"Sam believes me," Jensen replied. She frowned, remembering the disappointed look in Sam's eyes. "But it's not enough, and I don't think it's worth trying to convince Dean Morgan. Either he believes what Sam tells him or he doesn't, but he still won't give me my job back."

"What if – if we broke up?" Jay said, shakily, refusing to look at Jensen. "Then, maybe you could get it back, and Justin would leave you alone and – "

"No," Jensen said, steel resolve in her voice. "No, they're not going to win, we won't let them." She pulled Jay's chin down, kissing her deeply. 

Jay's arms closed around her shoulders and held her tightly as they broke the kiss, their foreheads leaning together.

"What, do we win by kissing?" Jay asked. 

Jensen smiled, but she felt too strongly about this to laugh. "No, although that does help. We win by living and loving each other and being happy and proving all of the world's stupid homophobes wrong."

Jay blinked rapidly and hid her face in Jensen's neck. "Okay," she said, voice muffled. "It's a deal."

"Good," Jensen said, twisting to kiss Jay's cheek.

"Jen, what if he tries again?" Jay asked.

Jensen laughed darkly. "If he comes near either of us again, I'm getting a restraining order, or calling my older brother." She tipped Jay's head back, meeting her eyes. "I don't know what will happen with Justin, but I'm going to tell Sam he was the one who sent the note, and then we'll deal with anything else if and when it happens, okay?"

It took a minute, but Jay nodded. Jensen knew it might take a while for them both to feel normal again, but as long as Jay didn't leave her, she thought they would be okay.

++++

In retrospect, Jay realized how ridiculous the whole thing sounded, but she wasn't exactly acting rationally when Genevieve brought up the topic of where she'd be living next year, and what Jensen would be doing, during a phone conversation, and Jay had no idea how to answer. She still felt fragile about Jensen, guilty about what Justin had done, even though she knew it wasn't her fault.

She and Jensen hadn't discussed any plans for next year, after all – she would be starting her second and last year in the fall, unless she decided to stay and get her PhD as well, and Jensen – Jensen would be graduating with her degree in June. She had an internship at a local firm for the summer, but she would be done with school for good and looking for work. Jay could probably sign another year's lease with Chad in their current apartment. She knew Jensen loved living in Portland, but neither of them had brought up what would happen between them if Jensen had to move for a job, and oh god, what if Jensen only thought of her as a last college fling? What if Jensen really wanted to find a guy, have babies, a white picket fence life? What if Justin's sabotage had convinced her that being with Jay wasn't worth it? Jay let her mind wander irrationally, imagining the horror of Jensen telling her it was just a case of lesbian until graduation, and they could still be friends, right?

"Jay? Jared?" Genevieve sounded worried, and Jay realized she'd been staring at herself in the mirror silently for who knew how long.

"I'm fine," she said, hearing the lie in her voice. "Um, I don't know.

"Jared Padalecki, are you imagining some kind of ridiculous scenario where Jensen is going to dump you for ruining her life and also secretly has a husband hidden away in a closet somewhere?" 

Jay swallowed. "Nooo," she said unconvincingly.

"Knock it off! Everyone and their grandmother knows she's head over heels for you, okay?"

"But – " 

"No, you don't get a vote." Genevieve's voice got higher and louder, and Jay held her phone away from her ear. "You are going to pretend to be a fucking grown-up, and the next time you see Jensen, you'll ask her what she plans to do next year, and you'll tell her calmly and maturely that you want to stay with her no matter what."

Jay drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly before replying. "I know I'm being stupid," she said quietly. "I love her, and I feel guilty and scared, and it's making me panic."

Genevieve's voice softened, and Jay wished Gen were there in person to give her a hug. "I know," Genevieve said. "I know. But it's going to be fine, okay?"

"Okay," Jay replied. "Okay."

They talked for a few more minutes before Genevieve had to leave, and by the time she hung up, Jay felt calmer. She would take each day as it came, and deal with problems when they actually occurred and not before. 

Jay tried to keep Genevieve's good advice in her mind, but when she got a text from Jensen later that day that only said _can i come over? want to ask you something_ , she replied with a simple _yes, here now_ and then sat down on the couch to wait without even noticing Chad's dirty socks right under her feet. By the time Jensen knocked and came in, Jay had worked herself back into a panic, picturing Jensen telling her it was over.

"I don't want to break up!" she blurted out. Jensen stared blankly at her for a moment, then swallowed.

"Um," she said slowly. "I wasn't aware that was an option?"

Jay stood up and started pacing. "It's not! I know I offered before, but I'm taking it back! I mean, I don't want to, but what if you can't find a job here? It's my fault you didn't get an interview with the firm you planned to work for – "

Jensen grabbed her arm gently and pulled her into a hug. "Shh," she murmured, and Jay would have been resentful at being treated like a baby, but the sounds, combined with Jensen's slim arms around her, calmed her instantly. She realized with dismay that her eyes were starting to fill with tears, and that brought her back completely.

"Oh my god," she said into Jensen's neck. "What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm sorry, that was totally ridiculous."

Jay lifted her head to look down at Jensen, who smiled. 

"A little bit ridiculous," Jensen said. "But we haven't really talked about my plans for next year, so I understand. But we've been over this – it's not your fault Dean Morgan's firm didn't offer me a job. If it's anyone's fault it’s mine for not being honest with Sam from the start, but even if Justin hadn't been a total asshole, I might not have been interviewed anyway. There's no point in worrying about the what-ifs, but I've been thinking about what to do now – actually, I have a proposition for you about next year. That's why I wanted to talk tonight."

"Should I be sitting down?" Jay tried a grin, and thought she almost succeeded. 

Jensen's mouth quirked slightly, and she pulled them both down onto the couch. "We don't _need_ to be sitting, but it would be more comfortable."

Jay turned to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing Jensen. "Okay, fire away."

"Do you want to live with me next year?" 

Jay's mouth dropped open. She didn't say anything until she saw Jensen starting to worry at her silence. "Oh my god, yes," she quickly said. "Where? How? Why?"

Jensen let out a breath. "Well, our apartment building's getting turned into condos at the end of the summer and we have to move. Danneel decided she was tired of shared walls, and a friend of hers is moving into an apartment, which means her old house is going to be open in late August. It's really close to the school, and it's on the Blue Line. But it's got three bedrooms, and it's kind of expensive for just the two of us, especially since I don't have a job yet."

Jay started to feel a little less enthusiastic. "So, you need a rent partner?" she asked, knowing she wasn't hiding the hurt in her voice as well as she wanted.

Jensen shook her head. "No," she said, honesty in all of her features. "I kind of want to have you around all the time, freakshow. I – I love you, you know that?"

"I know," Jay replied. She did – she did know that, but Jensen had never said it so plainly before, and it felt amazing. "I love you, too."

"So," Jensen continued. "I want to wake up next to you every day, and go grocery shopping together, and come home with you at night, and jesus fuck, Jay, if you don't shut me up I'm going to die of embarrassment."

Jay pulled her into a hug. "Of course I want to live with you!"

Jensen nodded against Jay's chest. "Good. Oh, also, Danneel says Chad can come if he promises not to hit on her and you don't want your own room."

She couldn't help it – it was too much, and she laughed. "Jensen Ackles, you are the weirdest person I have ever met, and you thought of everything."

Jensen beamed at her, more open than she'd ever seemed to Jay before, even when they'd been naked and tangled up in each other's bodies.

"Well," Jensen said. "It's your fault if I'm weird. I never did weird things before I met you."

Jay shoved her a little. "Let's go bully Chad into living with us!" she called, loud enough for Chad to hear from his room where he had promised to remain for Jensen's entire visit. She tugged Jensen along with her. "He can't resist lesbians," she confided. "It's totally in the bag."

++++

It seemed – okay, Jensen could admit she was being dumb, it was her turn after all – but it seemed too perfect. She didn't trust that feeling anymore. She'd told Danneel that Jay and Chad were on board, and they'd worked out a living agreement that both Chad and Danneel signed off on, nothing short of a minor miracle. But she still worried – it was in her nature, she supposed, and as long as she didn't let the worry win, she thought it would be okay.

They would move in over the course of Labor Day weekend, which was still three months away, but Jensen wanted to be completely prepared, so she and Danneel were working on getting rid of things they didn't need. Jensen always enjoyed the chance for a major purge. Danneel liked to watch her throw things out in a righteous fury, but she'd eventually figured out that Jensen was worried about something, and moved them both into her room. She sat Jensen down on the bed firmly, and told her to spill.

Jensen fidgeted, sitting on the bed with one of Danneel's many pillows in her lap. After waiting patiently for five minutes, Danneel gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed the pillow, throwing it into Jensen's face.

"Oh my god, what is it?" she asked. "Why are you acting like a nervous criminal?"

Jensen caught the pillow and buried her face in it. "Is it too soon?"

"I can't hear you through the pillow, smartass," Danneel said, sitting next to Jensen and taking the pillow away again. 

"I said, is it too soon? For Jay and I to try and live together?" Jensen fought with Danneel to get the pillow back, but gave up after a short struggle, and sighed. "She still feels guilty about what happened with Justin even though it's not her fault, and I'm worried that she might be trying to make up for it."

Danneel looked conflicted. "For anyone else, that might be true," she said. "But I kinda think you two will be fine. It makes sense for Jay financially, and I wouldn't have suggested we try for the house if I thought it would be a problem. If things get weird, we can deal with it then." She wrinkled her nose. "Although I hadn't taken into account the disgusting amounts of PDA I'll be forced to witness."

Jensen rolled her eyes. "This, from the woman who had to be told twice that it was inappropriate to go down on her girlfriend in the living room while her roommate was in the kitchen making dinner."

"It wasn't my fault," Danneel snickered, not apologetic in the least. "Adrianne was wearing that skirt, the one that must have been a handkerchief in its former life. I was powerless to resist."

Jensen shoved Danneel over on the bed, laughing as she bounced and then scrambled up, trying to look dignified. "Just remember that you asked for it," Jensen said, then got up as well and pulled Danneel into a hug.

"Thanks," Jensen whispered. "You're kind of the only reason why I'm a marginally well-adjusted human being."

"I can't take all the credit," Danneel said modestly, then broke. "But I will take most of it."

"That sounds more like it," Jensen said, and felt some of her worry wash away.

Two weeks later, Jensen had an unexpected day off from the coffee shop where she now worked part-time, and went to see Jay. She didn't call first, wanting to surprise Jay, and she ran into Chad at the door to the building, who let her in. 

"Fix it," he said cryptically, shaking his head when Jensen asked him what he was talking about. Jensen hurried upstairs. Chad's reasoning became clear once Jay let her inside the apartment and led the way to her bedroom, babbling the entire time.

" – and then I dropped the packing tape on my foot and I can't feel my toes anymore, but Chad thinks it's probably okay, and I have broken my toes before and I don't think that's what happened, but now I can't figure out what I need to pack next and I'm pretty sure the boxes I _did_ pack are only half-full."

"Slow down," Jensen said, pulling Jay into a hug, careful to not touch her damaged toes. "Why are you packing this early?"

Jay slumped over in her arms for a moment, then stood up straight, breaking the embrace.

"I'm being prepared?" Jay said. "And, uh, planning?"

Jensen laughed, trying to muffle the sound against her arm. Jay drooped, doing a good impression of a kicked puppy, and Jensen hugged her again.

"It's really cute, don't worry," she told Jay. "I'm laughing with you, I promise."

Jay's mouth wobbled into a smile as she calmed down, and then she looked down at herself

"Oh my god," Jay said, panic rising in her voice again. "You're not supposed to see me like this, I look awful." She tugged at her hole-ridden t-shirt and bit her bottom lip. "I'm wearing Chad's sweats!"

"You do kinda smell," Jensen said thoughtfully. Jay looked horrified until she caught the smirk on Jensen's lips, and then she scowled. 

"You're a bad girlfriend," she said, turning to pout at the window. 

"You're going to see me looking much worse on mornings when I have to get up before eight am, and I'm going to help you organize this packing plan of yours," Jensen offered. "I'll even put out afterwards if you're not too tired."

"Did I say bad?" Jay said, throwing her arms around Jensen's neck. "I meant wonderful and amazing and sexy and talented."

"That's better," Jensen said, and began to tackle the mess of Jay's belongings. Jay protested whenever Jensen suggested something should be thrown away, and Jensen couldn't resist her pout, kissing her each time. This was it – this was how her life would be from now on, and even if they fought, even if Jensen couldn't find a job in her field and had to be a barista forever, there wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be. 

No, Jensen thought, as she uncovered a box of Xena memorabilia and Jay shrieked and tried to hide it from her, she really didn't need to worry. She and Jay would be just fine.

[Epilogue]

  


_one and a half years later_  


"You two are disgusting," Misha complained, watching as Jay and Jensen snuggled together in the oversized armchair in his living room after a long night of food and booze in celebration of Danneel's birthday.

Jensen tried to glare, and Jay felt a tiny burst of pure happiness at the way Jensen couldn't hide how happy she looked. 

"You're one to talk," Jay told Misha, nodding over toward the entrance to the kitchen, where Vicki could be seen talking animatedly with someone. Misha followed her gaze and a stupid grin took over his face.

"Fair point," he said. "Plus, I can't really be mad that you managed to make a real girl out of Jensen."

"I was always real, dipshit," Jensen growled, and Jay just wanted to drag her home and kiss her forever, and she couldn't help the sappiness in her voice when she tucked her head under Jensen's chin and said, "you were always real _hot_ , you mean," low enough that only Jensen could hear her. 

Jensen laughed quietly, leaning down to breathe into Jay's hair. "Shut up," she said. 

Misha snorted and stood up. "I know when I'm not needed," he said, as he walked out of the room. 

"Finally," Jensen said. "I love the man, but for someone with a psych degree, he can't really take a hint."

Jay frowned. "Finally what?"

Jensen kissed her in reply, deep enough to get Jay's blood pumping in really inappropriate ways for someone else's living room. When she pulled back, Jensen's voice was nicely husky and low.

"Ready for bed?"

Suddenly it all made sense. "Hell yes," Jay replied, standing up and pulling Jensen with her. 

Jensen smiled fondly at her and followed her out the door. Jay had almost gotten used to how helpless she was to resist anything about Jensen, but that smile always brought it back. 

She and Jensen had adjusted to living together better than they'd hoped, and after a year of scrambling to make ends meet, Jensen finally had a decent job offer, and Jay was about start a new school year after having been accepted into the PhD program she'd most wanted to do in Portland. She'd had to take out more loans, and she worried about repaying them later, but she hoped it would be worth it.

She had the world's most perfect girlfriend, her campaign to get Genevieve to move to Portland seemed to be working, and she was happy. It was everything she'd wanted when she'd first arrived in Portland, and she wouldn't take it for granted.

++++

The next morning, Jensen's first day at her new job, Jay woke her up by licking her open and giving her a slow, sweet orgasm that seemed to last forever, and then sent her off for a shower. When she emerged, dressed and ready to go, Jay was standing in the kitchen, pajama pants slipping down her hips. She grinned when she saw Jensen and pulled a sharpie out of a nearby drawer. Jensen knew what that meant, so she obediently held still while Jay chose her target, which turned out to be just underneath Jensen's waistband. Jay drew a careful heart shape and then decorated the inside of it with two Js. Jay's habit of writing on herself had morphed into writing on Jensen, and Jensen found it too adorable to mind, even when it was something as ridiculous as this.

"Subtle," Jensen remarked. "Maybe you should just tattoo your name on my ass permanently." She let the drawing dry without real protest as Jay gave her a dirty look.

"Have a good day at work, darling," Jay said sarcastically as she put the cap back on her pen, giving Jensen a peck on the cheek.

"Whoa," Jensen said, pulling Jay back for a proper kiss. "Don't tell me that's the kind of kiss you want now that we're old and boring and domesticated."

"Never," Jay laughed. "I'm still going to want to suck on your tongue when I'm eighty."

"Um," Jensen said. "If you call it that, I'm not going to want to do it with you _now_."

"Yeah, you will."

"Yeah," Jensen admitted, pulling away and going to the front door. "I will."

She paused, turning back to look at Jay. Two years ago, she wouldn't have ever thought her life would look like this, but she couldn't imagine anything better now. Then Jay ruined her moment of contemplation by doing a little fist-pump and yelling "ha! I win!" 

And if Jensen just barely made it to work on time because that was clearly a challenge she had to answer, well, she never had to admit it to anyone.

++++

The night before classes started up again, Jay made Jensen stay up late to help her get ready.

"I'm not new anymore," she told Jensen happily. "I know where all the good bathrooms are, and who to avoid in an enclosed space, and how to get from Johnson Hall to the quad in less than five minutes. I'm going to rule the school!"

"Poor little masters students won't know what hit them," Jensen said with mock sympathy.

"They should respect their elders."

"I feel kind of dirty sending you off to school like you're a little kid," Jensen admitted as Jay tried to fit everything into her bag for the fourth time. She didn't want to be unprepared when faced with her usual first-day emergency, no matter what form it took.

"It's not preschool, dipshit," Jay said distractedly, twitching as her hair fell into her eyes.

"I know, but who knows what kind of people you might meet out there?" Jensen took the bag away from Jay and began re-packing it. Jay flopped back gratefully against the couch and chuckled.

"Don't worry, babe, none of them have anything on you. You can pack my bag without breaking it."

"There's a ringing endorsement of passionate love."

"I'll have you know that I find bag-packing very erotic."

Jensen groaned, and set the now-packed bag on the floor before joining Jay on the couch. "You are sick in the head, babe."

"Hmmm," Jay agreed, snuggling into Jensen's side, and suddenly feeling nostalgic. "Hey, it was two years ago that we met, remember?" She could vividly remember Jensen chatting with her, and being almost unable to actually track what Jensen was saying because she was so embarrassed and distracted by her instant attraction.

Jensen ran her hand up and down Jay's back. "Yeah, you kind of shook up my entire life. Hard to forget."

"You love me and my shaking," Jay said, grinning at Jensen's fond exasperation. If she had one job in their relationship, it was to make Jensen laugh as much as possible.

"I do," Jensen said seriously, kissing her once on the lips, and Jay couldn't imagine a better place or a better life than hers, right at that moment.

Then Jensen pulled her up from the couch with a wicked smirk. "C'mon," she said. "You’ve got to get a good night's sleep, but first – " 

"First what?" Jay asked, following Jensen into the bedroom, only to stop dead in the doorway at the sight of Jensen holding what had to be a – a harness, and a dildo Jay had never seen before. Considering their now quite extensive collection, that was really saying something. "What the fuck?" she blurted out, surprised and aroused in equal parts. "When did you buy that?"

"First," Jensen said, voice low, "first, I'm going to fuck you."

Well. There was no way Jay was going to argue with that. She stepped inside the room and closed the door firmly behind her, grateful beyond words that Danneel had taken Chad out for a night of strictly platonic roommate bonding.

"Yes, ma'am," she drawled, and locked the door.

[the end]


End file.
